I know I’m a bad car owner. I do my best, but I’m hard on things I own and cars are no exception.
I am well aware of the importance of having my car's oil changed, tires rotated, etc etc. But for some reason I dread having this most routine bit of maintenance done like no other chore in my life.
Coincidentally, the three month or 3000 mile relief that follows getting my oil changed rivals only the relief of urinating after holding it for way too long. I realize that may be a little TMI, but I think a spot on analogy is worth a little immature potty humor.
I used to be able to change my first car’s oil. My little red Festiva was small enough I could get to where I needed to get to and if all else failed I could just pick up the entire car and shake the excess oil out if I needed to.
My current car seems to suffer from what most modern cars seem to suffer from. Something I call “modern automaker dickish engineering”. This is where they put the things that you will need to access the most, such as the oil plug and the oil filter, in the most hard to reach places possible. The tin-foil hat wearing conspiracy theorist in me wonders if they do this in the hopes you will take it into your dealer and have it done for you. And while you are there they can ‘discover’ a laundry list of tiny metal tubes and other expensive things things that are about to make your car explode at any moment.
The remedy for this is I usually have my brother or dad do it for me. They have all the necessary jacks, stands, ramps and so forth to perch my deadly heavy car up high enough to get to the oil plug. Even after my car is perched precariously upon a plethora of car raising devices the oil filter is still a pain to get to, even from underneath.
All of these difficulties make me feel guilty bothering my family members for this routine chore. In addition my brother and father both have fleets of vehicles of their own to maintain, and in my brother's case a plethora of friends who need the same help I do.
The only other option is to take my dirty oil having vehicle to an oil change place. The problem with those places is they talk to you like you’re five. They do all these complementary routine checks that you didn’t ask them for and they ask you for all kinds of data about your car:
How many miles since this? How many miles since that? When was the last time you hugged your car? Can I have your phone number, address, date of birth, social security number, and blood type? ,...”it’s just for our records.....” and so on and so on.
After I answer those questions to the best of my ability without being a smart ass, I then get to sit in a dingy waiting room reading four month old copies of Redbook magazine*. Not the worst fate in the world, but then I normally get called up for “something they need to ask me about”. This makes me feel like getting called to the principal's office in elementary school. The other waiting room people all hiss and moan “OOOOOOOOOOhhhhh! You’re in trouuuuuuuuu-ble!!” then whisper “what a bad car owner” to each other.
Then, the lovely folks working at the oil change establishment tell me that this part here (them holding up a piece of metal that could have come from anywhere) “Is really bad” and they’d be happy to replace it for only eleventy-hundred dollars**. But usually they word it in such a way that it’s as condescending as possible. “Did you realize this (fill in the blank) was REALLY bad and it could kill your neighbors gerbil? You REALLY should have that looked at, you bad, stupid car owner you...”
Listen, when I came in, I knew my car was leaking some Anti-freeze, maybe some oil, and the carburetor was filled with yogurt for some reason, but I didn’t ask you to remind me of that. I asked you to CHANGE MY OIL! So even if the engine is ON FIRE, get a fire extinguisher, put it out, and then GET BACK TO CHANGING MY OIL AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!! This January 2009 issue of Working Woman isn’t gonna read itself!
As you might have picked up by now, I’m not very big on having my oil professionally changed, and haven’t done so in years. I’ve managed to rely on pestering my father and brother.
Recently though my brother was off on his honeymoon, had a bachelor party and got married, (not necessarily in that order) so I’ve felt even worse about pestering him to change my oil. I’ve let my car get way past its designated oil bladder drainage period. Therefore I’m going to take the plunge and masochistically pay to have someone treat me like I’m five and talk to me like a used car salesman all while making me feel about three inches tall.
The way I figure, it could at least make good fodder for a blog,...and I’m sure there is an October 2008 issue of Good Housekeeping in the waiting room with my name on it.
* Neat, “Five ways to turn on your man” and “How to lose 5 pounds without amputation!” what a great issue!
** If they get to make up numbers, so can I.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Big Red Pessimist
Staring at the blank page that is to be this weeks blog I have several ideas, none of them complete, but ideas none-the-less.
Because none of these ideas is what I would consider groundbreakingly awesometastic, I’ll start with something that I want to get out before the college football season gets too much closer. That being my prediction for the upcoming Nebraska season.
Last year I went with 8-4 for the regular season, while the rest of the universe seemed to think Nebraska would waltz into the Big Ten and just sort of have their way with their new conference. I laughed, but only to myself. I even bookmarked a more prominent blog (whom I will not embarrass by naming) which boldly stated “Ten Reasons Why Nebraska Will Win The Big Ten In Their Inaugural Season” so I could laugh at it when it would turn out to be wrong. And I did.
Instead of defying all logic, reason and the toughest schedule I can remember an NU team having we finished 9-3. Hardly the ‘running roughshod’ over the Big Ten so many envisioned, but they did finish one game better than my prediction.
Finishing better than my prediction isn’t all that uncommon. I’m a very pessimistic person. This lovely personal trait of mine carries into my outlook for my sports teams as well. I can almost always find a reason to worry about the next game. Even games where the experts say NU should roll. In those cases I tend to “just have a feeling” disaster awaits and an upset will ensue.
Such was the case with Northwestern last year. First of all, Northwestern has a nasty habit of downing at least one team they have no business of beating. Secondly, Nebraska was coming off what was arguably their biggest win of the season against eventual division champ Michigan State. I would also argue their most complete game of the season as well.
I just have a feeling that Pelini coached teams just come out flat for no reason sometimes. There isn’t much evidence to back this up, so I’m sure I’m wrong. Just yet another “feeling” I have. This let down seems to take place after the Blackshirt jerseys are given out the week before. Again, don’t have a lot of evidence to back this up.
The only real textbook example of this I can think of is after the come from behind win in the rain against Missouri at their home field. Following the game the D get their shirts and then proceed to give up 31 points to Texas Tech the following week. The week after that they turned the ball over more times than their point total and lost to Iowa State 7-9. The ISU game was one of the most textbook upsets I can remember.
Thinking back, both games’ worst moments came courtesy of “Droppin’ The Ball” Niles Paul. In the Texas Tech game a lateral fell to the turf. Being a lateral of course the ball was still live, and everyone in the stadium seemed to realize this except Paul who stood their picking his nose while a Tech defender picked up the ball and ran in for a defensive td.
In the Iowa State game, one of what felt like 800 turnovers involved a wide open Paul streaking down the sideline after making a long catch, then proceeding to fumble the ball out of the back of the end zone with no one within twenty yards of him.....
Wow, got a little off track there,...bad Niles Paul memories...
So, you had the above mentioned meltdown in 09’.
Then, in 10’ you had a Washington team embarrass Nebraska in our bowl game after being thrashed by the same Nebraska team earlier in the season. Nothing says ‘coming out flat’ like losing to a team you beat 56-21 in the same season at their home stadium.
And now we’re back to Northwestern last year.....I was of course not at all surprised by the loss...after all I had “that feeling”, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have similar feelings prior to the Fresno State and Washington games....
Perhaps that is the point of my pessimism. It acts as sort of an insulator for perceived eventual disappointment. If we win, wow, what a nice surprise! If we lose,...well,...kinda saw that one coming....
My pessimism went far enough that BigRedPessimist was going to be my username for a Nebraska football forum I was thinking about joining. I ended up not doing so because my experience in forums normally results in one of two outcomes: I either see my carefully put together thoughts completely ignored, or ridiculed to the point where my sexuallity is questioned. Also, it cost money.....so I didn’t join.
After more than adequately nailing down my Pessimismness, now it’s prediction time. My formula for predicting Nebraska’s seasons is normally as follows (especially with Pelini as head coach):
So, you got your gimmies, plus you figure you’ll win half of your toss up games,..then I add one game as a loss that we have no business losing and one game as a win we had no business winning and viola, you got my prediction.
Here are some examples of why I go with the One bad loss/One bad win thing:
Year/Inexplicable Loss/Inexplicable Win (notes)
2009: Iowa State/Oklahoma
So what of this year then? Well, this is where the bad news comes in...I really only see two ‘gimmies’ 1-AA Idaho State, and Minnesota. Minny is improving but I don’t think they have much of a chance in Memorial Stadium.
So 2-0 for the Gimmie’s.
The non conference schedule is brutal this year. Starting with Southern Miss who has a history of taking on anyone, anywhere, and scaring the bejesus out of them. The last time they came to Lincoln they got over the hump and did in fact beat us. They also upset, up until that point, undefeated Houston in their conference’s championship game last year.
I can’t remember an opening game of the season being more scary than this one. The good news is, Nebraska tends to play some of their best ball the first game of the season. This is where Nebraska’s usually superior coaching flexes its muscle. Even in 2002, when Nebraska went 7-7, they opened against what turned out to be a very good Arizona State team and throttled them. In 2007, in what turned out to be Callahans last year and a dismal 5-7 season, Nebraska beat down Nevada who wound up going to a bowl game.
Arkansas State won 10 games last season, and going to UCLA in only the second game of the season is scary as well, even if UCLA hasn’t been great lately. They were in their conference’s championship game last year, but only because USC wasn’t eligible.
All of those three games remind me of last year’s Washington/Fresno State games. Games I could easily see us losing. Games I will be very nervous going into. Games I could see us battling to the end to pull out a win but getting quite a scare.
As I said, Idaho State I’m listing as a gimmie, but as poorly as we played against our last 1-AA foe.....maybe this year will be the year we pull a Michigan and lose to a 1-AA school...
So, for the non conference I will say 3-1. We could easily be 4-0 or 1-3,...I’m very tempted to say 4-0 but my aforementioned pessimism prevents it.
Then, on to the toss ups: Wisky, OSU, NW, Michigan, MSU, PSU, and Iowa. I came really close to calling NW and Iowa as gimmies, but I’m thinking one or the other will be our surprise bad loss. Since there are two teams like that,..that’s a textbook toss up.
OSU is as close as I come to a guaranteed loss. The Buckeyes just don’t lose at home and it will be our first trip there. And who knows, perhaps we’ll be coming off a payback win against Wisky and be right on queue to go to Columbus and come out flat...
An odd number of toss ups,...I’ll go 4-3....
Finally,..to review....
2 gimmie wins (Idaho State, Minnesota)
2-1 non-conference (minus Idaho State)
4-3 in toss ups,....
All this math puts me again at 8-4 for the regular season just like last year.
Such a finish will add to the grumblings around my hometown about Pelini, and generally be seen as a disappointment to most NU Fans who insist on believing every NU team is MNC* caliber. Bless their hearts, but I’m glad they’re that way, someone has to balance guys like me out....
Since I put together a reasonable prediction, I will now allow my pessimistic side to run rampant and describe what it envisions for Nebraska next season.
Wow,..that was a little TOO pessimistic,...even for me.
*brought out the MNC three weeks in a row! Go me!
Because none of these ideas is what I would consider groundbreakingly awesometastic, I’ll start with something that I want to get out before the college football season gets too much closer. That being my prediction for the upcoming Nebraska season.
Last year I went with 8-4 for the regular season, while the rest of the universe seemed to think Nebraska would waltz into the Big Ten and just sort of have their way with their new conference. I laughed, but only to myself. I even bookmarked a more prominent blog (whom I will not embarrass by naming) which boldly stated “Ten Reasons Why Nebraska Will Win The Big Ten In Their Inaugural Season” so I could laugh at it when it would turn out to be wrong. And I did.
Instead of defying all logic, reason and the toughest schedule I can remember an NU team having we finished 9-3. Hardly the ‘running roughshod’ over the Big Ten so many envisioned, but they did finish one game better than my prediction.
Finishing better than my prediction isn’t all that uncommon. I’m a very pessimistic person. This lovely personal trait of mine carries into my outlook for my sports teams as well. I can almost always find a reason to worry about the next game. Even games where the experts say NU should roll. In those cases I tend to “just have a feeling” disaster awaits and an upset will ensue.
Such was the case with Northwestern last year. First of all, Northwestern has a nasty habit of downing at least one team they have no business of beating. Secondly, Nebraska was coming off what was arguably their biggest win of the season against eventual division champ Michigan State. I would also argue their most complete game of the season as well.
I just have a feeling that Pelini coached teams just come out flat for no reason sometimes. There isn’t much evidence to back this up, so I’m sure I’m wrong. Just yet another “feeling” I have. This let down seems to take place after the Blackshirt jerseys are given out the week before. Again, don’t have a lot of evidence to back this up.
The only real textbook example of this I can think of is after the come from behind win in the rain against Missouri at their home field. Following the game the D get their shirts and then proceed to give up 31 points to Texas Tech the following week. The week after that they turned the ball over more times than their point total and lost to Iowa State 7-9. The ISU game was one of the most textbook upsets I can remember.
Thinking back, both games’ worst moments came courtesy of “Droppin’ The Ball” Niles Paul. In the Texas Tech game a lateral fell to the turf. Being a lateral of course the ball was still live, and everyone in the stadium seemed to realize this except Paul who stood their picking his nose while a Tech defender picked up the ball and ran in for a defensive td.
In the Iowa State game, one of what felt like 800 turnovers involved a wide open Paul streaking down the sideline after making a long catch, then proceeding to fumble the ball out of the back of the end zone with no one within twenty yards of him.....
Wow, got a little off track there,...bad Niles Paul memories...
So, you had the above mentioned meltdown in 09’.
Then, in 10’ you had a Washington team embarrass Nebraska in our bowl game after being thrashed by the same Nebraska team earlier in the season. Nothing says ‘coming out flat’ like losing to a team you beat 56-21 in the same season at their home stadium.
And now we’re back to Northwestern last year.....I was of course not at all surprised by the loss...after all I had “that feeling”, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have similar feelings prior to the Fresno State and Washington games....
Perhaps that is the point of my pessimism. It acts as sort of an insulator for perceived eventual disappointment. If we win, wow, what a nice surprise! If we lose,...well,...kinda saw that one coming....
My pessimism went far enough that BigRedPessimist was going to be my username for a Nebraska football forum I was thinking about joining. I ended up not doing so because my experience in forums normally results in one of two outcomes: I either see my carefully put together thoughts completely ignored, or ridiculed to the point where my sexuallity is questioned. Also, it cost money.....so I didn’t join.
After more than adequately nailing down my Pessimismness, now it’s prediction time. My formula for predicting Nebraska’s seasons is normally as follows (especially with Pelini as head coach):
- Count the number of gimmie wins (Your Minnesotas, Idaho States, San Jose States,...etc)
- Count the number of sure losses (not so much anymore, but this was the case in the early Pelini years while he was still rebuilding)
- Count the number of toss up games
So, you got your gimmies, plus you figure you’ll win half of your toss up games,..then I add one game as a loss that we have no business losing and one game as a win we had no business winning and viola, you got my prediction.
Here are some examples of why I go with the One bad loss/One bad win thing:
Year/Inexplicable Loss/Inexplicable Win (notes)
2009: Iowa State/Oklahoma
(we beat Oklahoma with an epic 1 yard TD drive after a turnover put the ball on the 1 yard line.)
2010: Washington(In the bowl game)/ Iowa State
(Spent most of the game with Burkhead lined up at QB, Iowa State lost when they went for 2 and didn’t get it. I would argue they had us on the ropes and didn’t need to go for two)
2011: Northwestern/ Ohio State
(Yes, a miracle comeback, but how often is that going to happen...hence “miracle”)
So what of this year then? Well, this is where the bad news comes in...I really only see two ‘gimmies’ 1-AA Idaho State, and Minnesota. Minny is improving but I don’t think they have much of a chance in Memorial Stadium.
So 2-0 for the Gimmie’s.
The non conference schedule is brutal this year. Starting with Southern Miss who has a history of taking on anyone, anywhere, and scaring the bejesus out of them. The last time they came to Lincoln they got over the hump and did in fact beat us. They also upset, up until that point, undefeated Houston in their conference’s championship game last year.
I can’t remember an opening game of the season being more scary than this one. The good news is, Nebraska tends to play some of their best ball the first game of the season. This is where Nebraska’s usually superior coaching flexes its muscle. Even in 2002, when Nebraska went 7-7, they opened against what turned out to be a very good Arizona State team and throttled them. In 2007, in what turned out to be Callahans last year and a dismal 5-7 season, Nebraska beat down Nevada who wound up going to a bowl game.
Arkansas State won 10 games last season, and going to UCLA in only the second game of the season is scary as well, even if UCLA hasn’t been great lately. They were in their conference’s championship game last year, but only because USC wasn’t eligible.
All of those three games remind me of last year’s Washington/Fresno State games. Games I could easily see us losing. Games I will be very nervous going into. Games I could see us battling to the end to pull out a win but getting quite a scare.
As I said, Idaho State I’m listing as a gimmie, but as poorly as we played against our last 1-AA foe.....maybe this year will be the year we pull a Michigan and lose to a 1-AA school...
So, for the non conference I will say 3-1. We could easily be 4-0 or 1-3,...I’m very tempted to say 4-0 but my aforementioned pessimism prevents it.
Then, on to the toss ups: Wisky, OSU, NW, Michigan, MSU, PSU, and Iowa. I came really close to calling NW and Iowa as gimmies, but I’m thinking one or the other will be our surprise bad loss. Since there are two teams like that,..that’s a textbook toss up.
OSU is as close as I come to a guaranteed loss. The Buckeyes just don’t lose at home and it will be our first trip there. And who knows, perhaps we’ll be coming off a payback win against Wisky and be right on queue to go to Columbus and come out flat...
An odd number of toss ups,...I’ll go 4-3....
Finally,..to review....
2 gimmie wins (Idaho State, Minnesota)
2-1 non-conference (minus Idaho State)
4-3 in toss ups,....
All this math puts me again at 8-4 for the regular season just like last year.
Such a finish will add to the grumblings around my hometown about Pelini, and generally be seen as a disappointment to most NU Fans who insist on believing every NU team is MNC* caliber. Bless their hearts, but I’m glad they’re that way, someone has to balance guys like me out....
Since I put together a reasonable prediction, I will now allow my pessimistic side to run rampant and describe what it envisions for Nebraska next season.
- Nebraska will lose its opening game for the first time since 85’
- Pelini will lose his team (much like Billy C. after the USC beat down in 2007)
- The press, fans, and Pelini will square off, creating a very public, very hard to watch, falling out
- And amongst all the mess the team will be going into the Iowa game praying just to be Bowl eligible at 6-6
Wow,..that was a little TOO pessimistic,...even for me.
*brought out the MNC three weeks in a row! Go me!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
My College Football Division 1-A Playoff System
Last week I promised my system for determining division 1-A’s MNC*.
The most important part of my system is that I refuse use the TLA’s to differentiate between division I footballs two subcategories. Growing up it was always 1-A and 1-AA. The day I refer to them as FCS and FBS is the day I take a cheese grater to my face and jump in the Pacific Ocean.
Now that that business is settled, I believe i touched on this during last weeks blog, but in case I didn’t. I can’t stress enough that this is MY system, and I’m not about being fair or even making sense, this is the system that I would get the most enjoyment out of and makes the most sense to me. Don’t like it? Email me, tweet me, the address should be over there ----->
I’ll pretend like your criticisms don’t bother me and then I’ll cry myself to sleep that night, sounds like fun huh?
In all seriousness, I wouldn’t mind hearing your system. So again, shoot me an email ---->
Or a tweet ----->
Now to my system. My system is a twelve team playoff bracket with the top four teams getting a first round bye. These teams are made up of four of the six teams that have a conference championship. Those conferences include:
Here are my reasons for this stance:
Idealy it would be nice to have eight conferences of sixteen teams, or something so no byes are needed, that would require some conference realignment, I’ve thought about doing that for another blog, but it would be a real time sink, so no promises.
I’m also torn between the awesomeness that is conference championships and conferences that can actually play all of the teams in their conference every year (the way the Big 12 is now). To me it seems silly to have teams in your conference that you play in two year on, two year off cycles, or longer in some cases.
Aside from the four conferences with the bye that leaves 7 conferences plus the independents. Therefore I give one slot each to each conference champion. I feel it’s important you win your conference in order to win the MNC, that’s just how I feel. Don’t like it? Write your own blog :-)
That leaves one spot left. A spot I had a hard time deciding on. On the one hand you have the four independents, however there are only four of them, if their were more I might think about giving an automatic spot, but there aren’t, so they have to be ranked highly enough (perhaps in the top 10) or have a decent enough record. You indy’s don’t like it? Join one of the conferences that needs a few extra teams to hold a conference championship so they’re eligible for one of those nifty top four seeds.
Even better yet, be selected or not by a committee of experts whose sole job is selecting the 12th spot or a wild card team. Yeah, I like that committee idea.***
Yes, I said wild card team, I didn’t like that idea either, especially since I just got done saying how important conference championships are. As things are now I don’t see a way around it.
Next unique aspect of my playoff is that reseeding will take place after each round, meaning that in each round the lowest seeds will be matched against the highest seeds. This will increase the likelihood that the two best teams meet in the championship. I know the NFL does this with their first round, but they still split their brackets by conference and only reseed for the first round I believe, mine is the only system I know of that would be a complete reseed system.
Last major unique thingy about my system is that the first two rounds will be played at the higher rated teams home stadium. This was just nixed by the Big Ten which originally suggested something similar for the future four team playoff. I liked the idea. I like the idea of a team from the south having to come up north in the middle of December and playing somewhere really, really cold. This instead of northern teams always having to travel south for their bowl game as it has been forever.
The so called ‘final four’ will take place at traditional BCS bowls, rotating between them as to who hosts the championship. Those bowls being the Orange, Sugar and Rose. Screw you Fiesta bowl, you corrupt bastards you! You’ve lost your chance.
I’m not entirely against some further mix-match of bowls to home games, perhaps the first round could be bowls as well, again rewarding the top four seeds with a home game.....but this blog is due so no more time to ponder....
Now onto the fun part, using my system, what would last year have looked liked? First, seeding the teams, we’ll start with the infamous top four seeds, pulled from the conferences having a championship.
Seed Team Pre-Bowl Record in 2011/ Notes
1. LSU 12-0 / Easy-peesy pick, only undefeated team, and out of the rugged SEC to boot.
2. Oregon 11-2 / Picked them over Wisconsin as they played a more courageous Non-conference schedule including a loss to #1 seed LSU in the first week of the season.
3. Wisconsin 11-2 / See above, plus they totally aren’t Clemson....
4. Clemson 10-3 / Worst record, plus I hate them, they wreck havoc on my family college pick’em every week of every year with their Jeckl and Hydeness, but they are better conference champs than the C-USA offerening or the MAC,..although I would have been curious to see Southern Miss take a shot at them...
So those are our top four seeds, again, pulled from the conferences that have a championship.
Onto the teams in the first round, without the bye.
Seed Team Pre-Bowl Record in 2011/ Notes
5. Alabama 11-1 / Alabama sneaks into the only wild card spot with their only loss coming to #1 Seed LSU. Had somebody in the independent ranks been worth a poop though, they’d have been on the outside looking in...
6. Oklahoma State 11-1 / Best record of the remaining conference champs, prolly would have been involved in the championship last year had they used any sensible system of a four team or even a plus one playoff.
7. TCU 10-2 / Next year they’re off the the Big 12 but last year they were still in the Mountain West conference and their Rose Bowl appearance and win against Wisconsin in 2010 proves to me they can hang with the big boys.
8. Southern Miss 11-2 / Always a favorite of mine (other than Nebraska) they take on the big boys and normally scare the be-jesus out of them, and sometimes beat them. That’s why I’m a little lot leary about Nebraska playing them the first game of the season next year....yikes,...anyways, they upset up until that point undefeated Houston in the C-USA championship, and like I said I’d be curious to see how S.Miss would have matched up against Clemson,...the more I think about it, the more I’m closer to giving them that 4th seed.....
9. Arkansas State 10-2 / Another scary non-conference opponent for Nebraska next year, getting the slight edge over N.Illinois
10. N.Illinois 10-3 / Biggest thing the Huskies had going for them is that they’re not in the Big East, which I can’t even bring myself to watch. Which is saying something...considering we are talking about College football here.....
11. Cincinnati 10-2 / As much as I can’t stand watching the Big East, I still think the Bearcats are better than.....
12. Louisiana Tech 8-4 / Who finished with the worst record of any conference champ and they are coming out of the cupcake filled Sun Belt conference.
Those are the seeds. Now with the aid of a neat site I found called What If Sports I’ll use that to trace through my hypothetical playoff from last year.
The site uses stats, formulas, algorythms and a bunch of other stuff I don’t understand to generate realistic results in hypothetical match-ups, complete with stats and stuff, very cool...so you could say, match up the 1994 Nebraska team with the 1995 Nebraska team, or whatever your heart desires...again,....very cool.
On to the first round:
To no ones surprise 5th seed Alabama throttles 12th seed La. Tech 38-17.
6th seed Okie State takes down 9th seed Cincy from the Big (L)East 48-27.
TCU (7th seed) wins a high scoring game with 10th seed and MAC champ N. Illinois 49-31.
In the last match up of the first round, my dark horse S.Miss team falls in a slight suprise to 9th seed Arkansas State 20-17.
So we have the following four seeds advancing:
Making the 2nd round feature:
The results from the second round hold no huge shockers, but I’m mildly surprised LSU only managed to squeak by ASU 20-17, and Wisky managed to outscore Okie State 56-42.
Other scores from round two:
We’re now down to the ‘final four’ and the games that are associated with existing bowls. After re-seeding again we end up with the following match-ups:
As I mentioned earlier my original idea was to rotate the bowls, but seeing as how Oregon and Wisky are a traditional Pac 12/Big Ten Rose Bowl match up we’ll put them there. And the SEC is a Sugar Bowl conference (if I remember right), so we’ll put them there, leaving the MNC to be the Orange Bowl. Maybe I should make some rule that if a traditional bowl match up occurs the teams will go to their traditional bowl,...or something,....haven’t decided....too late now...
In the Sugar Bowl Alabama all but shuts down LSU just like in the real life matchup 38-3, but the Rose takes a different turn than the real thing and Wisconsin prevails.
Now are our National Championship. A show down in the Orange Bowl,.....finally a playoff where a true champion can be determined!
…....Alabama thrashes Wisky 45-13...........
So even though I designed a playoff system specifically to my tastes, and Alabama only got in because their weren’t any good independent teams we still wound up with the same MNC.
Also, we ended up having what was probably an even more mis-matched national championship...all under scoring my point from last week, that the national championship is stupid, and you can’t prevent a stinker from occurring in the championship game regardless of the system.
Therefore,...I say again....teams should just win their games and not worry about whatever post-season tweak the rich guys are trying this year......now if you don’t mind the “Committee***” has to meet to prevent this 45-13 disaster from happening again next year....surely SOMETHING can be figured out...maybe if we ju-......
* remember that acronym? Awww...shucks...well thanks for trying...
** Three.Letter.Acronyms
*** Oh, and by committee I mean me.......and only me
The most important part of my system is that I refuse use the TLA’s to differentiate between division I footballs two subcategories. Growing up it was always 1-A and 1-AA. The day I refer to them as FCS and FBS is the day I take a cheese grater to my face and jump in the Pacific Ocean.
Now that that business is settled, I believe i touched on this during last weeks blog, but in case I didn’t. I can’t stress enough that this is MY system, and I’m not about being fair or even making sense, this is the system that I would get the most enjoyment out of and makes the most sense to me. Don’t like it? Email me, tweet me, the address should be over there ----->
I’ll pretend like your criticisms don’t bother me and then I’ll cry myself to sleep that night, sounds like fun huh?
In all seriousness, I wouldn’t mind hearing your system. So again, shoot me an email ---->
Or a tweet ----->
Now to my system. My system is a twelve team playoff bracket with the top four teams getting a first round bye. These teams are made up of four of the six teams that have a conference championship. Those conferences include:
- ACC
- Big Ten
- C-USA
- MAC
- Pac 12
- SEC
Here are my reasons for this stance:
- Conference Championships are awesome, don’t like the fact that you conference doesn’t get a first round bye? Add more teams and have a conference championship......you ninnies
- I like the idea that the conference championships would act as a sort of first round playoff game
- Conferences that have a championship have to play an extra game that other conferences do not, so I think it is only fair we reward those teams with one fewer game to make things even.
- Teams that don’t have a conference championship could play on the same weekend that other conferences are playing their conference championships. I like that idea. The only problem with that is that two conferences (usually the MAC and C-USA) would be left out of the top four due to the weakness of their conference. I know that doesn’t seem fair but fill your conference with something other than Akrons, directional Michigan Schools and maybe i’d be more merciful. Also, in most peoples scenarios (including the current model now used by the BCS) they are left completely out in the cold, so I’m doing them a favor by including them at all. You’re welcome.
Idealy it would be nice to have eight conferences of sixteen teams, or something so no byes are needed, that would require some conference realignment, I’ve thought about doing that for another blog, but it would be a real time sink, so no promises.
I’m also torn between the awesomeness that is conference championships and conferences that can actually play all of the teams in their conference every year (the way the Big 12 is now). To me it seems silly to have teams in your conference that you play in two year on, two year off cycles, or longer in some cases.
Aside from the four conferences with the bye that leaves 7 conferences plus the independents. Therefore I give one slot each to each conference champion. I feel it’s important you win your conference in order to win the MNC, that’s just how I feel. Don’t like it? Write your own blog :-)
That leaves one spot left. A spot I had a hard time deciding on. On the one hand you have the four independents, however there are only four of them, if their were more I might think about giving an automatic spot, but there aren’t, so they have to be ranked highly enough (perhaps in the top 10) or have a decent enough record. You indy’s don’t like it? Join one of the conferences that needs a few extra teams to hold a conference championship so they’re eligible for one of those nifty top four seeds.
Even better yet, be selected or not by a committee of experts whose sole job is selecting the 12th spot or a wild card team. Yeah, I like that committee idea.***
Yes, I said wild card team, I didn’t like that idea either, especially since I just got done saying how important conference championships are. As things are now I don’t see a way around it.
Next unique aspect of my playoff is that reseeding will take place after each round, meaning that in each round the lowest seeds will be matched against the highest seeds. This will increase the likelihood that the two best teams meet in the championship. I know the NFL does this with their first round, but they still split their brackets by conference and only reseed for the first round I believe, mine is the only system I know of that would be a complete reseed system.
Last major unique thingy about my system is that the first two rounds will be played at the higher rated teams home stadium. This was just nixed by the Big Ten which originally suggested something similar for the future four team playoff. I liked the idea. I like the idea of a team from the south having to come up north in the middle of December and playing somewhere really, really cold. This instead of northern teams always having to travel south for their bowl game as it has been forever.
The so called ‘final four’ will take place at traditional BCS bowls, rotating between them as to who hosts the championship. Those bowls being the Orange, Sugar and Rose. Screw you Fiesta bowl, you corrupt bastards you! You’ve lost your chance.
I’m not entirely against some further mix-match of bowls to home games, perhaps the first round could be bowls as well, again rewarding the top four seeds with a home game.....but this blog is due so no more time to ponder....
Now onto the fun part, using my system, what would last year have looked liked? First, seeding the teams, we’ll start with the infamous top four seeds, pulled from the conferences having a championship.
Seed Team Pre-Bowl Record in 2011/ Notes
1. LSU 12-0 / Easy-peesy pick, only undefeated team, and out of the rugged SEC to boot.
2. Oregon 11-2 / Picked them over Wisconsin as they played a more courageous Non-conference schedule including a loss to #1 seed LSU in the first week of the season.
3. Wisconsin 11-2 / See above, plus they totally aren’t Clemson....
4. Clemson 10-3 / Worst record, plus I hate them, they wreck havoc on my family college pick’em every week of every year with their Jeckl and Hydeness, but they are better conference champs than the C-USA offerening or the MAC,..although I would have been curious to see Southern Miss take a shot at them...
So those are our top four seeds, again, pulled from the conferences that have a championship.
Onto the teams in the first round, without the bye.
Seed Team Pre-Bowl Record in 2011/ Notes
5. Alabama 11-1 / Alabama sneaks into the only wild card spot with their only loss coming to #1 Seed LSU. Had somebody in the independent ranks been worth a poop though, they’d have been on the outside looking in...
6. Oklahoma State 11-1 / Best record of the remaining conference champs, prolly would have been involved in the championship last year had they used any sensible system of a four team or even a plus one playoff.
7. TCU 10-2 / Next year they’re off the the Big 12 but last year they were still in the Mountain West conference and their Rose Bowl appearance and win against Wisconsin in 2010 proves to me they can hang with the big boys.
8. Southern Miss 11-2 / Always a favorite of mine (other than Nebraska) they take on the big boys and normally scare the be-jesus out of them, and sometimes beat them. That’s why I’m a little lot leary about Nebraska playing them the first game of the season next year....yikes,...anyways, they upset up until that point undefeated Houston in the C-USA championship, and like I said I’d be curious to see how S.Miss would have matched up against Clemson,...the more I think about it, the more I’m closer to giving them that 4th seed.....
9. Arkansas State 10-2 / Another scary non-conference opponent for Nebraska next year, getting the slight edge over N.Illinois
10. N.Illinois 10-3 / Biggest thing the Huskies had going for them is that they’re not in the Big East, which I can’t even bring myself to watch. Which is saying something...considering we are talking about College football here.....
11. Cincinnati 10-2 / As much as I can’t stand watching the Big East, I still think the Bearcats are better than.....
12. Louisiana Tech 8-4 / Who finished with the worst record of any conference champ and they are coming out of the cupcake filled Sun Belt conference.
Those are the seeds. Now with the aid of a neat site I found called What If Sports I’ll use that to trace through my hypothetical playoff from last year.
The site uses stats, formulas, algorythms and a bunch of other stuff I don’t understand to generate realistic results in hypothetical match-ups, complete with stats and stuff, very cool...so you could say, match up the 1994 Nebraska team with the 1995 Nebraska team, or whatever your heart desires...again,....very cool.
On to the first round:
To no ones surprise 5th seed Alabama throttles 12th seed La. Tech 38-17.
6th seed Okie State takes down 9th seed Cincy from the Big (L)East 48-27.
TCU (7th seed) wins a high scoring game with 10th seed and MAC champ N. Illinois 49-31.
In the last match up of the first round, my dark horse S.Miss team falls in a slight suprise to 9th seed Arkansas State 20-17.
So we have the following four seeds advancing:
- 5th seed Alabama
- 6th seed Okie State
- 7th seed TCU
- and 9th seed Arkansas State
Making the 2nd round feature:
- #1 LSU vs #9 Arkansas State
- #2 Oregon vs #7 TCU
- #3 Wisky vs #6 Okie State
- and #4 Clemson vs #5 Alabama
The results from the second round hold no huge shockers, but I’m mildly surprised LSU only managed to squeak by ASU 20-17, and Wisky managed to outscore Okie State 56-42.
Other scores from round two:
- #2 Oregon 27-17 over #7 TCU
- and #5 Alabama knocking off #4 Clemson 30-6
We’re now down to the ‘final four’ and the games that are associated with existing bowls. After re-seeding again we end up with the following match-ups:
- #1 LSU vs #5 Alabama, a match up that took place in last years actual national championship bore fest.
- and #2 Oregon vs #3 Wisky another actual match up from last bowl season, with Oregon winning.
As I mentioned earlier my original idea was to rotate the bowls, but seeing as how Oregon and Wisky are a traditional Pac 12/Big Ten Rose Bowl match up we’ll put them there. And the SEC is a Sugar Bowl conference (if I remember right), so we’ll put them there, leaving the MNC to be the Orange Bowl. Maybe I should make some rule that if a traditional bowl match up occurs the teams will go to their traditional bowl,...or something,....haven’t decided....too late now...
In the Sugar Bowl Alabama all but shuts down LSU just like in the real life matchup 38-3, but the Rose takes a different turn than the real thing and Wisconsin prevails.
Now are our National Championship. A show down in the Orange Bowl,.....finally a playoff where a true champion can be determined!
…....Alabama thrashes Wisky 45-13.....
So even though I designed a playoff system specifically to my tastes, and Alabama only got in because their weren’t any good independent teams we still wound up with the same MNC.
Also, we ended up having what was probably an even more mis-matched national championship...all under scoring my point from last week, that the national championship is stupid, and you can’t prevent a stinker from occurring in the championship game regardless of the system.
Therefore,...I say again....teams should just win their games and not worry about whatever post-season tweak the rich guys are trying this year......now if you don’t mind the “Committee***” has to meet to prevent this 45-13 disaster from happening again next year....surely SOMETHING can be figured out...maybe if we ju-......
* remember that acronym? Awww...shucks...well thanks for trying...
** Three.Letter.Acronyms
*** Oh, and by committee I mean me.......and only me
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Mini-Blog: House Sitting
I didn’t get my blog
posted on Wednesday as promised, posting it a day late instead. I hate
to disappoint all three of my readers like that, so in hopes of making
up for it I present to you a mini blog. At least I hope it stays “mini”.
No promises though.
My parents spent the week on vacation, they asked me to check on the house a couple times during the week. These very difficult duties included:
My parents spent the week on vacation, they asked me to check on the house a couple times during the week. These very difficult duties included:
- Gathering the mail and newspapers
- Making sure the toilet wasn’t running
- Checking on the baby birds to see if they had grown up and left their nest in the grill of an old grain truck on my parents’ property
- Making sure the basement wasn’t flooded
After a normal report via text message Tuesday, I became bored and decided to spice up Thursday’s report:
Me:
I grabbed your mail and newspapers, opened them and flushed them down
the toilet, thus clogging it, so it’s still running. Therefore the
basement is no longer dry. Also, I brought all the baby birds in the
house so they’ll poop on everything. You are welcome.
Me: Oh, I almost forgot. I also upper decked your other toilet, turned on all the lights, peed on your bed, and started a small fire in your office.
Mom: Thanks for handling everything for us. You must be exhausted!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Obligatory College Football Playoff Blog
As you may well know, anyone who has a blog and even thinks about sports is legally required to offer their take on playoffs at the highest level of college football.
Failure to do so results in the revocation of your bloggers of america union card and a poke in the arm with a sharpened stick. To avoid such a horrible fate I’m going to provide my take now and also file all the necessary paper as proof of doing so.
Before we continue I must state something that will come as a shock to just about everyone, sports fans and non sports fans alike. The National Championship is stupid.
There.
I said it.
Light your torches, find your pitchforks and “come at me bro”.
Don’t get me wrong. Shiny crystal trophies are nice, but we’re talking about something that is completely out of your team's control. Something that is debated so much and has been for so long, that when discussed in written form an acronym is used to describe it. “MNC” which stands for Mythical National Champion/Championship. Sounds like fun doesn’t it?*
That’s why i don’t get my undies in a bunch like my fellow Nebraska fans when the topic of Penn State in 94ish (if my memory is correct) or Michigan in 97 should get part of that that year’s “MNC”. I don’t care. We won all our games those years and that to me is awesome enough. So, if Michigan or Penn State want to put that year in big letters on their stadium somewhere under “National Champions”, good for them. I’ll still sleep tonight. They did everything they were supposed to, too. They won all of their games.
And don’t even get me started on teams that lose one or two games and still claim the MNC, lame. I’d argue those years shouldn’t even have a MNC. Especially when a two loss team claims it....ick.
Ever since I was old enough to listen to the talking heads on Saturday mornings debate which team really was the best in the nation, I began to grow more and more sick of the topic. To me, especially at that time, it was a bigger deal to beat Oklahoma, win the Big Eight conference, and go to the Orange Bowl. I liked this for several reasons.
Another dirty little secret? Playoffs rarely determine who the best team is, especially in a single elimination tournament. Are you gonna try and tell me that the 9-7 New York Giants were really the best team in the NFL last year because they won the Super Bowl** ? The same Giants that at one point lost five out of six of their games including four games in a row? The same team that lost to the Washington Redskins twice? Nuh-uh sorry.
Or what about UConn who won the National Championship in basketball a few years back after finishing NINTH in their conference.....in short, playoffs don’t determine who the best team is, only who is on a roll at the end of the season.
To put it in yet another way, Bertrand Russell’s quote about war comes to mind; “War does not determine who is right - only who is left."
So I think of playoffs like this “Playoffs don’t determine who is best, only who is left”
All of this comes about as I write this, because the NCAA is considering a four team playoff at the end of the regular season. At first I was excited about this. I know, I know, I just got done griping about how playoffs don’t determine a champion, and I stand by that, they don’t. However, playoffs have one really important factor in their corner.....playoffs = more football, and I can’t ever have enough football.
Then I heard the local radio guys debating how those four teams would be determined and realized that a four team playoff wouldn’t put an end to the constant debate about “Who is #1” it only pushes the problem a tiny bit farther down the chain.
So, why did the old rich white guys in charge of college football's highest level finally change their tune?
All of this added up to less than stellar ratings for a college football MNC, which meant the fat cats finally got hit somewhere where they actually cared about,...the wallet.
So, now they are meeting in high rise offices, late into the night scrambling to find the perfect formula. Unfortunately, there isn’t one.
I’d argue that although the MNC this year sucked. Both as a match up and a game itself, I still have to admit that those were indeed probably the two best teams in the country. No combination of fancy computer formulas, voters, even playoffs can prevent a championship stinker once in awhile. How many Super Bowls can you remember that weren’t all that competitive? Had teams you didn’t care about? Where the commercials were just ‘meh’?
What to do then? Well, in next week’s blog, I will detail my design for College football’s postseason. Keep in mind I don’t want to, but it’s another blog requirement, and I really don’t want to be poked with a sharp stick.
* No
**That was the game where your girlfriend shushed everyone during the commercials so she could hear what the talking baby said, then blabbed loudly during the actual game. Seriously dude, did you HAVE to bring her?
*** I fell asleep during the first quarter
Failure to do so results in the revocation of your bloggers of america union card and a poke in the arm with a sharpened stick. To avoid such a horrible fate I’m going to provide my take now and also file all the necessary paper as proof of doing so.
Before we continue I must state something that will come as a shock to just about everyone, sports fans and non sports fans alike. The National Championship is stupid.
There.
I said it.
Light your torches, find your pitchforks and “come at me bro”.
Don’t get me wrong. Shiny crystal trophies are nice, but we’re talking about something that is completely out of your team's control. Something that is debated so much and has been for so long, that when discussed in written form an acronym is used to describe it. “MNC” which stands for Mythical National Champion/Championship. Sounds like fun doesn’t it?*
That’s why i don’t get my undies in a bunch like my fellow Nebraska fans when the topic of Penn State in 94ish (if my memory is correct) or Michigan in 97 should get part of that that year’s “MNC”. I don’t care. We won all our games those years and that to me is awesome enough. So, if Michigan or Penn State want to put that year in big letters on their stadium somewhere under “National Champions”, good for them. I’ll still sleep tonight. They did everything they were supposed to, too. They won all of their games.
And don’t even get me started on teams that lose one or two games and still claim the MNC, lame. I’d argue those years shouldn’t even have a MNC. Especially when a two loss team claims it....ick.
Ever since I was old enough to listen to the talking heads on Saturday mornings debate which team really was the best in the nation, I began to grow more and more sick of the topic. To me, especially at that time, it was a bigger deal to beat Oklahoma, win the Big Eight conference, and go to the Orange Bowl. I liked this for several reasons.
- First, it didn’t matter if you were undefeated or not, didn’t matter if you stubbed your toe week two against someone and tarnished your undefeated season, you could always win the conference and go to the Orange Bowl.
- The conference rankings were never based on what some sportswriter in some town far away who never saw a Nebraska game thought of how good Nebraska was. It was all about wins and losses, head to head match-ups, and in rare cases tie-breakers.
- Same deal with the Coaches rankings....
- I always felt like it was our own little mini-world of college football. The Orange Bowl was our bowl, our championship...and even though we lost to a Florida team every year, it was still somehow special.
Another dirty little secret? Playoffs rarely determine who the best team is, especially in a single elimination tournament. Are you gonna try and tell me that the 9-7 New York Giants were really the best team in the NFL last year because they won the Super Bowl** ? The same Giants that at one point lost five out of six of their games including four games in a row? The same team that lost to the Washington Redskins twice? Nuh-uh sorry.
Or what about UConn who won the National Championship in basketball a few years back after finishing NINTH in their conference.....in short, playoffs don’t determine who the best team is, only who is on a roll at the end of the season.
To put it in yet another way, Bertrand Russell’s quote about war comes to mind; “War does not determine who is right - only who is left."
So I think of playoffs like this “Playoffs don’t determine who is best, only who is left”
All of this comes about as I write this, because the NCAA is considering a four team playoff at the end of the regular season. At first I was excited about this. I know, I know, I just got done griping about how playoffs don’t determine a champion, and I stand by that, they don’t. However, playoffs have one really important factor in their corner.....playoffs = more football, and I can’t ever have enough football.
Then I heard the local radio guys debating how those four teams would be determined and realized that a four team playoff wouldn’t put an end to the constant debate about “Who is #1” it only pushes the problem a tiny bit farther down the chain.
So, why did the old rich white guys in charge of college football's highest level finally change their tune?
- Well last year’s MNC featured a rematch of two teams from the same division of the same conference.
- A conference that has now had a team win the “National Championship” five years in a row. So no matter who won, it would be from the same conference....again.
- The game itself a rematch of a field goal miss/make fest that ended in a 9-6 overtime ‘thriller’.**
- It didn’t help that the game was hyped for months beforehand either....so, people were tired of hearing about the FIRST game even before it was played,...let alone the rematch in the MNC
All of this added up to less than stellar ratings for a college football MNC, which meant the fat cats finally got hit somewhere where they actually cared about,...the wallet.
So, now they are meeting in high rise offices, late into the night scrambling to find the perfect formula. Unfortunately, there isn’t one.
I’d argue that although the MNC this year sucked. Both as a match up and a game itself, I still have to admit that those were indeed probably the two best teams in the country. No combination of fancy computer formulas, voters, even playoffs can prevent a championship stinker once in awhile. How many Super Bowls can you remember that weren’t all that competitive? Had teams you didn’t care about? Where the commercials were just ‘meh’?
What to do then? Well, in next week’s blog, I will detail my design for College football’s postseason. Keep in mind I don’t want to, but it’s another blog requirement, and I really don’t want to be poked with a sharp stick.
* No
**That was the game where your girlfriend shushed everyone during the commercials so she could hear what the talking baby said, then blabbed loudly during the actual game. Seriously dude, did you HAVE to bring her?
*** I fell asleep during the first quarter
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
How Car Insurance Makes Me Feel Old
This
one requires a long walk folks, so if you’re up to it, grab my
automated nacho shoveling device (hand) and join me on a journey to the
land of um...feel,..um,....old-dom.
I find the overly competitiveness of car insurance companies to be quite comical. I’m reminded of this almost constantly, I’d venture to guesstimate that 2/3rds of all ads I currently see have to do with car insurance. On nearly every billboard, tv commercial, radio commercial, port-a-jon, not to mention the web, you are constantly being inundated with ads for car insurance.
You have the Geico Gecko, Cavemen, Progressives quarky “Flo”, State Farm, Farmers, All-State (with that black guy,...can’t think of his name), Esurance and even that little general guy . That little general guy seems kinda iffy, kinda scammy but that’s a topic for another day....
Those are just the companies I can name off the top of my head. YES, I’ve been so repetitively exposed to car insurance ads that I can name SEVEN of them off the top of my head, and even several of the mascots.
I find this level of over advertising funny in its specificness. It’s not insurance, it’s not cars, it’s specifically car insurance. And they are all out to save you oh-so-much money, or so they claim.
The best way I can explain why this specificness is so funny to me would be to say, imagine a world where dozens of giant companies existed that only sold salad forks. Not spoons, not knifes, not even forks in general, but specifically SALAD FORKS. Now imagine every advertisement you see pertains to how much money you could save per year on salad forks. That’s kinda how I see them.
Still with me? Still holding onto my nacho consumption aid (hand) ? Good.
All of this overly competitive advertising leads me to think of the only other example of completely oversaturated and seemingly unnecessary advertising in my life. The old long distance commercials. I can still hear the pitch echoing through the empty cavern that is my brain, “Just dial down the center! 1-800-C-O-L-L-E-C-T”
And now time for another jump, this old ad war makes me realize that kids today have no idea what calling collect means. Most live without landlines, and have no concept of what it was like living with a non cell phone in the house. To them, phone = cellphone, period.
They have no concept of local vs long distance, can’t fathom being tethered to not only the house you are in with your phone, but in my case, the hallway of said home. Like a dog on a chain in the backyard. You could only go as far as your curly plastic leash would let you.
Long distance was really damn important too:
Then everyone would sit around bleeding to death from their polar bear related wounds and watch in awe as someone talked to someone else literally all the way OUTSIDE OF CITY LIMITS! Isn’t technology amazing?
Long distance was so important that it didn’t merely invade tv (before the days of the dvr so you couldn’t fast forward through the commercials!**), radio, billboards, busses, everywhere. These companies would even call you directly. They would normally call during dinner right after your mouth was full of celery and peanut butter.
Then you would hang up and your wife or husband would yell at you for changing your family's long distance plan for the fourth time that week.
I know what you’re thinking,....but Grandpa Smitty, why didn’t you just ignore the phone call?
Oh you silly little humanling...you couldn’t NOT answer the phone! You just couldn’t, and I never knew why...I never got the chance. It could be the President or the Pope (prolly calling about your current long distance plan) or something you had no idea, and only ONE ringtone...that you couldn’t change....
I never risked not answering the phone, the consequences would be too dire. The only chance I would get would be when I was home alone, and it would most likely be my mom who, if I didn’t answer would be in a panic, because “WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?, you can’t JUST NOT ANSWER THE PHONE!”
Not only did you not know who the phone call was from, but you didn’t know who it was FOR either. Some fancier kids had a magical device called “Caller ID” but we didn’t. Caller IDs were for pussies.
So if the call wasn’t for you# you had to perform the ‘call for someone else ritual’. You either had to just leave the phone there. This would leave the person on the other end dangling like a slinky hanging from the ceiling. Then you would frantically search the house for the person the caller wanted to speak with. The other option would be to just stand there and yell (because you were tethered there remember?) “MOM!!! PHONE!!!!” and hope they heard you.
I forgot to mention you had to say ‘May I ask who is calling’ and if you didn’t the person you finally found hiding in the attic would sigh and say, “Why didn’t you ask who is calling?!”
If the person wasn’t there another ritual began, you had to say “I’m sorry he/she can’t come to the phone right now can I take a message?”
You had to say it like that otherwise this person would know you were home alone and they would come over and eat you or something...
Then you would pretend to take their message and forget about the phone call entirely until your mom or dad got another call from the person who was now angry. And then you would get grounded/yelled at. Good times.
If no one was home a device with a little midget cassette## in it would save useless rambling messages on a strip of magnetic tape. Then everyone would stand around the machine and try to guess who called.
Family Member One: “That sounds like our neighbor down the street....”
Family Member Two: “No, no that was totally Mr. Blahblah....”
Family Member Three: “Weren’t you expecting a call from Mr. Soandso?”
No definitive answer would come so the only sensible action would be to call every suspect and leave messages on their machines thus spreading the virus to everyone.....in case you hadn’t guessed, answering machines were awesome.
If the person you were trying to call didn’t have an answering machine the phone would just ring and ring forever until you hung up. The person you called would never know you called. No one could immediately contact anyone who say, ventured out to buy groceries. Even scarier, if they didn’t have an answering machine no one knew where they were,....at all! (I just blew your mind didn’t I?)
Without an answering machine that person might as well have been on Mars.
So you would just keep calling them, every 15 minutes and hope they hadn’t died. Why 15 minutes? Because that’s just what you DID, kinda like the reason you always had to answer the phone.
You would give it a month or so before you really started to worry.
Another fun game I liked to call ‘Phone Chicken’ was when everyone in the house heard the phone ring and everyone assumed everyone else was going to get it. With each passing ring the tension rose until either everyone answered the phone at the same time or no one answered resulting in the following argument:
Family Member A: HOW COULD YOU NOT ANSWER THE PHONE!!!???
Family Member B: You were closer!
Family Member C: Well I just figured it was Mr. Whoever, he usually calls this time of day...
Family Member A: Well @#$%! lets go check the answering machine....
And so we come to the end of our journey, maybe you forgot where we started, or don’t really know how you ended up here, but now you hopefully have a better idea of why everytime I see a car insurance commercial I feel old.
I make the quick jump from car insurance to feeling old, because no one under the age of 10 will know the true importance of a long distance call, or any of the lost rituals involved with the infamous “Home Phone”.
But at what point is the cut off? This is a fun game, sit around a table with a group of people of all ages, a cell phone starts to ring, the older phone vets will all become tense,...memories of ‘Phone Chicken’ still aching in their bones, the younger ones have no problem letting it go to voicemail......the vets thinking ‘MY GOD! ISN’T YOUR KID GONNA ANSWER HER PHONE! HOW CAN SHE NOT ANSWER IT!!!???’
* = YAH! I KNOW! The phone went all the way from your ear to your mouth! Huge!
** = Simply barbaric huh? And yet I survived...
*** = "Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty",...yep a Janet Jackson reference no one will get,...good for me...
# = everyone in the house shared the SAME phone! Is your mind blown yet?
## = sorry grandkids all teach you about cassettes in another blog....
I find the overly competitiveness of car insurance companies to be quite comical. I’m reminded of this almost constantly, I’d venture to guesstimate that 2/3rds of all ads I currently see have to do with car insurance. On nearly every billboard, tv commercial, radio commercial, port-a-jon, not to mention the web, you are constantly being inundated with ads for car insurance.
You have the Geico Gecko, Cavemen, Progressives quarky “Flo”, State Farm, Farmers, All-State (with that black guy,...can’t think of his name), Esurance and even that little general guy . That little general guy seems kinda iffy, kinda scammy but that’s a topic for another day....
Those are just the companies I can name off the top of my head. YES, I’ve been so repetitively exposed to car insurance ads that I can name SEVEN of them off the top of my head, and even several of the mascots.
I find this level of over advertising funny in its specificness. It’s not insurance, it’s not cars, it’s specifically car insurance. And they are all out to save you oh-so-much money, or so they claim.
The best way I can explain why this specificness is so funny to me would be to say, imagine a world where dozens of giant companies existed that only sold salad forks. Not spoons, not knifes, not even forks in general, but specifically SALAD FORKS. Now imagine every advertisement you see pertains to how much money you could save per year on salad forks. That’s kinda how I see them.
Still with me? Still holding onto my nacho consumption aid (hand) ? Good.
All of this overly competitive advertising leads me to think of the only other example of completely oversaturated and seemingly unnecessary advertising in my life. The old long distance commercials. I can still hear the pitch echoing through the empty cavern that is my brain, “Just dial down the center! 1-800-C-O-L-L-E-C-T”
And now time for another jump, this old ad war makes me realize that kids today have no idea what calling collect means. Most live without landlines, and have no concept of what it was like living with a non cell phone in the house. To them, phone = cellphone, period.
They have no concept of local vs long distance, can’t fathom being tethered to not only the house you are in with your phone, but in my case, the hallway of said home. Like a dog on a chain in the backyard. You could only go as far as your curly plastic leash would let you.
Long distance was really damn important too:
Person A: I was attacked by a polar bear with laser beams for eyes and chain saws for arms! I need a tourniquet really bad could you ple-
Person B: (Politely covering the receiver of the phone*) It’s my grandma, long distance...
Person A: Oh, I’m SOOO SORRY!! Tell her I said ‘HI’
Then everyone would sit around bleeding to death from their polar bear related wounds and watch in awe as someone talked to someone else literally all the way OUTSIDE OF CITY LIMITS! Isn’t technology amazing?
Long distance was so important that it didn’t merely invade tv (before the days of the dvr so you couldn’t fast forward through the commercials!**), radio, billboards, busses, everywhere. These companies would even call you directly. They would normally call during dinner right after your mouth was full of celery and peanut butter.
Janet:
Hi, I’m Janet***, calling from MCI, my job is to call people all over the
U.S and get yelled at and pray that one out of every 100 yell fests
ends in a sale so I can make an extra 25 cents this hour, how are you
this evening sir? Are you happy with your current long distance
provider?
You: (Mouth full of celeray and peanut butter) mmmmrgggrrmmmcrunchmmrrmmggnocalllistmggrm
Janet:
Great! you’re all signed up for the ‘Eiffel Tower Plan’ it will cost
twice as much as your current plan but you can now call Southern France
for only 30 cents a minute!
Janet: (Forgetting to hang up the phone) HEY GUYS I GOT A SALE!!! I REALLY GOT A SALE!!
Then you would hang up and your wife or husband would yell at you for changing your family's long distance plan for the fourth time that week.
I know what you’re thinking,....but Grandpa Smitty, why didn’t you just ignore the phone call?
Oh you silly little humanling...you couldn’t NOT answer the phone! You just couldn’t, and I never knew why...I never got the chance. It could be the President or the Pope (prolly calling about your current long distance plan) or something you had no idea, and only ONE ringtone...that you couldn’t change....
I never risked not answering the phone, the consequences would be too dire. The only chance I would get would be when I was home alone, and it would most likely be my mom who, if I didn’t answer would be in a panic, because “WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?, you can’t JUST NOT ANSWER THE PHONE!”
Not only did you not know who the phone call was from, but you didn’t know who it was FOR either. Some fancier kids had a magical device called “Caller ID” but we didn’t. Caller IDs were for pussies.
So if the call wasn’t for you# you had to perform the ‘call for someone else ritual’. You either had to just leave the phone there. This would leave the person on the other end dangling like a slinky hanging from the ceiling. Then you would frantically search the house for the person the caller wanted to speak with. The other option would be to just stand there and yell (because you were tethered there remember?) “MOM!!! PHONE!!!!” and hope they heard you.
I forgot to mention you had to say ‘May I ask who is calling’ and if you didn’t the person you finally found hiding in the attic would sigh and say, “Why didn’t you ask who is calling?!”
If the person wasn’t there another ritual began, you had to say “I’m sorry he/she can’t come to the phone right now can I take a message?”
You had to say it like that otherwise this person would know you were home alone and they would come over and eat you or something...
Then you would pretend to take their message and forget about the phone call entirely until your mom or dad got another call from the person who was now angry. And then you would get grounded/yelled at. Good times.
If no one was home a device with a little midget cassette## in it would save useless rambling messages on a strip of magnetic tape. Then everyone would stand around the machine and try to guess who called.
Family Member One: “That sounds like our neighbor down the street....”
Family Member Two: “No, no that was totally Mr. Blahblah....”
Family Member Three: “Weren’t you expecting a call from Mr. Soandso?”
No definitive answer would come so the only sensible action would be to call every suspect and leave messages on their machines thus spreading the virus to everyone.....in case you hadn’t guessed, answering machines were awesome.
If the person you were trying to call didn’t have an answering machine the phone would just ring and ring forever until you hung up. The person you called would never know you called. No one could immediately contact anyone who say, ventured out to buy groceries. Even scarier, if they didn’t have an answering machine no one knew where they were,....at all! (I just blew your mind didn’t I?)
Without an answering machine that person might as well have been on Mars.
FBI: I’m sorry ma’am, we can’t find your father
Poor Woman: Oh no! Why not!
FBI: He doesn’t have an answering machine,....
Everyone:
FBI: He could literally be ANYWHERE
So you would just keep calling them, every 15 minutes and hope they hadn’t died. Why 15 minutes? Because that’s just what you DID, kinda like the reason you always had to answer the phone.
You would give it a month or so before you really started to worry.
Another fun game I liked to call ‘Phone Chicken’ was when everyone in the house heard the phone ring and everyone assumed everyone else was going to get it. With each passing ring the tension rose until either everyone answered the phone at the same time or no one answered resulting in the following argument:
Family Member A: HOW COULD YOU NOT ANSWER THE PHONE!!!???
Family Member B: You were closer!
Family Member C: Well I just figured it was Mr. Whoever, he usually calls this time of day...
Family Member A: Well @#$%! lets go check the answering machine....
And so we come to the end of our journey, maybe you forgot where we started, or don’t really know how you ended up here, but now you hopefully have a better idea of why everytime I see a car insurance commercial I feel old.
I make the quick jump from car insurance to feeling old, because no one under the age of 10 will know the true importance of a long distance call, or any of the lost rituals involved with the infamous “Home Phone”.
But at what point is the cut off? This is a fun game, sit around a table with a group of people of all ages, a cell phone starts to ring, the older phone vets will all become tense,...memories of ‘Phone Chicken’ still aching in their bones, the younger ones have no problem letting it go to voicemail......the vets thinking ‘MY GOD! ISN’T YOUR KID GONNA ANSWER HER PHONE! HOW CAN SHE NOT ANSWER IT!!!???’
* = YAH! I KNOW! The phone went all the way from your ear to your mouth! Huge!
** = Simply barbaric huh? And yet I survived...
*** = "Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty",...yep a Janet Jackson reference no one will get,...good for me...
# = everyone in the house shared the SAME phone! Is your mind blown yet?
## = sorry grandkids all teach you about cassettes in another blog....
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