Hallmark Train Movie

Many years ago, I sent out a poll where readers could vote on what I was going to blog about next. Time, and a failing memory, prevents me from recalling how many potential blogs were options, but I do remember two. One was how a failure in my central air resulted in extensive water damage and the other was something close to “Why Justin Bieber Should Be Thanked.”

I remember the water damage idea because one guy I worked with INSISTED I write a blog about my failed A/C. The topic in question didn’t get enough votes, but he was so persistent and such a loyal reader I gave the tale a go.

Only one problem……..I could sum up that whole debacle in one or two sentences. Even with my lack of home improvement knowledge to aid me, I can’t say much more than “The pan that catches the condensation inside the A/C thingy…………..it rusted through, ruined lots of drywall, cost lots of money, could have cost a lot more if I didn’t have a home warranty. The End.”

I even explained this in person to him, but he politely requested until the day I left that company ( or maybe he left first….my memory again….) that I write about the A/C failure.

Perhaps I should have vetted the ideas better, actually considered whether I could write a full blog about them first, or maybe I just assumed regardless of the topic I could go on and on with little to no input.

For example, now might be a good time to note I haven’t said a damn thing about about Hallmark Trains. Now is also a good time to mention, we’re still at least two, if not more, paragraphs away. Trust me, we’ll get through this together. Everything will work out in the end, just like every Hallmark movie, ever.

The other candidate was, “Why Justin Bieber Should Be thanked.”

This topic was a casualty of lack of votes, time and effort. During the time of voting, Mr. Bieber was at the peak of his heart throbbingness. Pre-teen and teen girls across the country were shrieking and going into hysterics at the mere mention of his name.

My thinking was as follows:

Perhaps “Thanked” is the wrong word, after all, I’m sure Mr. Bieber made truck loads of cash, but some things to consider:

1. I’m not a parent of a pre-teen or teen girl, but if I was, I would much rather she be enamored by someone who will never come within hundreds of miles of my flyover town. Those little shits down the street who smash our pumpkins every year and egg my house, THOSE are the little bastards who would be dangerously close to my little girl(s).

2. You can argue with me on this next point if you want, but his music doesn’t actually HURT anyone and makes/made lots of girls happy. If there wasn’t a market for it, his brand of mass produced, pre-manufactured market researched McDonald’s equivalent brand of pop music would not exist.

With those two never to be blogs in mind, we fast forward to a Sunday night during holiday season last year. My wife had passed out and the NFL game had just ended. Instead of jarring her awake by shutting the tv off, I switched to one of what I, and I believe she, considers one of her “Sleep Aid” channels; in this case, the Hallmark Channel.

During the holiday season, and what feels like the six months leading up to Christmas, Hallmark runs their made-for-TV holiday movies.

All of these movies follow the same format:

1. Someone lives in the big city and has a strong opinion about Christmas
2. That person winds up in a small town, either on accident or on purpose.
3. They fall in love with someone and either that person or the other person (whichever one hates Christmas) falls back in love with the season.
4. Said person stays in the small town to be with whomever they fell in love with. This big city person is either fired or quits their “Big City” job to start some sort of artsy fartsy shop.
5. Oh! Reminds me, I almost forgot the original negative opinion of Christmas turns out to be something tragic like their grandad died on Christmas after being eaten by radioactive reindeer or something… I’m just kidding, it’s usually something way more boring than that, but he totally croaks,.......always. So whatever grandad, and the traumatized-by-Christmas person did on Christmas, that’s the kind of shop they give up the big city to open.

After I started this blog, Daniel Tosh beat me to the punch of lampooning these movies and did a far better job than I ever could. Hilarious video and that’s what I get for taking two,...three….alright fine FOUR FIVE months to get this blog done.

So I’m gathering up my stuff, water bottle, cell phone, wiener dog, etc. when this particular movie catches my attention. I watch just long enough to acquire sufficient information to keep me up that night and unfortunately for you, make me want to write a very long winded blog.

I must preface this next part, I have nothing against these movies, if they’re your bag, your Justin Bieber I’m sorry. And just like Justin Bieber these movies are not for me, but I acknowledge they aren’t hurting anyone and some people enjoy them, and that’s okay.

Unfortunately in the past I have taken a little too much delight in mocking the established formulas of these movies and my wife refuses to watch them (at least while she’s conscious).

To summarize I’m sorry if I’m about to trash your favorite Hallmark movie and I’m sorry my sarcasm ruined these movies for my wife.

HOWEVER, when said movie involves trains and then causes me to stare at the ceiling for a half hour in disbelief after only seeing five minutes of the thing, the gloves are so incredibly off.

In my short time viewing this movie I learned that this modern day train is stuck in the mountains, no cell signal and the engineer can’t get a hold of anyone to let them know they are caught in a snow drift.

As I walked towards my bedroom an old man was handing out blankets on this holiday train to passengers, reassuring happy Christmas sweater wearing kids of every race who expressed concern “They wouldn't have Christmas Eve.” or “Santa wouldn’t find them”.

One of what I assume was one of the main characters remarks how good the old main is with children. Which reminds me of another rule these movies where there is always an old man who wanted to have kids but sadly never did for heart string  pulling reasons. This old man occasionally turns out to be Santa about 56% of the time. I didn’t watch this movie long enough to find out.

So let’s rehash the situation: A modern passenger train is completely off the grid. It’s full of Christmas trees and stupid sweaters and Christmas Joy.

Apparently nobody is looking for this train or care that they haven’t heard from it in hours. That has to be the case right? Otherwise never mind all the modern GPS equipment, internet access (which must also not be working) if you really couldn’t find a train…...FOLLOW THE TRACKS….LITERALLY…..IT’S ON TRACKS….it’s a TRAIN...not some 747 that could plummet into the vast Pacific ocean 5000 miles offshore never to be seen again.

Another thing to consider no direct long distance passenger service currently exists in the US. So for example if you take Amtrak from Chicago to Seattle it’s going to stop at every town with the slightest semblance of a station.

I can't help but picture a man sauntering up to one of those tiny one room stations, like the one in McCook where Amtrak barely slows down at 4 am….He proceeds to stand there and wait,...no train. He looks at his watch, "Mhmmm.....my train was supposed to be here three days ago,.....Oh well , I'm sure everything is fine" he says to himself as he returns to the parking lot, gets in his car and just drives home.

Or maybe he talks to the station master before returning to his car....

"Yeah,.....hi.....I bought a ticket for train #113 three days ago,....and it never...um….you know…..showed up......is something wrong?"

The station master at least in my imagination is almost like a static and robotic dead behind the eyes post office employee with a five o'clock shadow and an inability to blink. He possesses all the personality of a plastic piece of fruit.

His response "Yeah, we have no idea where it is."

Confused the man replies. "So are you guys looking for it or......"

"Nah, not really" the station master replies flatly.

"Can't you track it down somehow? Is there like a radar but for trains?" asks the trainless ticket holder.

"What a stupid question to ask,........and you are a stupid person for asking, everybody knows trains can only be tracked visually."

"Really!?"

"Really" echos the station master adding ".....and while we're just making shit up, fun fact:Trains vision is based on movement, so if you see one stand still so it can't see you, otherwise it might eat you."

Okay, so I went a little overboard with my fictional scenario, but we had fun with it didn't we?

In truth trains are dispatched at places like the Harriman Center in Omaha.

Think air traffic control…..only for trains. The center is also called "the bunker" to those in the know (for example people with Wikipedia) because the building was built to withstand a number of natural and man made disasters, including tornadoes. This is because if the bunker went dark all the trains on Union Pacific's 32,100ish miles of track would come to (hopefully) a complete stop. Either that or they would all crash into each other, not to mention all the other railroads Union Pacific shares track with, crosses the path of other railroads….etc.  

Why is this necessary? Well in real life the rail line to train ratio isn't 1:1 as indicated in the movie. What I'm getting at is that by being "stuck" in the snow this train is blocking trains on either side of it from getting to their destination, like a broke down pick-up with its hood up and steam rolling out, only there are no other lanes and cars are backed up on either side blocked and blaring their horns.

Don't get me wrong in the past, the distant past, say when train travel was the only way to get around, mountain railroading was dangerous and unfortunately deadly, think pre-1900s, maybe there were incidents after that but think of the amount of technological innovation in the last 120 years. I think this train wouldn't be stuck for long.

Like I said things did happen, enough in fact that they had "snow sheds", effectively man made wooden tunnels where trains could sit if avalanches were a danger.

Now though I know rail nerds like myself who go hiking looking for traces of these no longer needed structures always on rail lines that were replaced and abandoned when more direct and less dangerous lines were built.

Two more gripes and then I'll wrap this up. Snow clearing rail lines are a rare and awesome site. Very rarely are blowers needed usually just plows can do the job but when a blower is in action they are a site to see ← also a good video to see just how deep snow has to get before it’s a ‘blower’ problem.

I recently came across a post from a guy in North Dakota. He has lived there his entire life and just recently saw a plow for the first time. Keep in mind this is in NORTH *$@#ing DAKOTA, and he’s only see a train snow plow ONCE in his life.

Like I mentioned earlier even plows aren't needed much as locomotives are plenty powerful on their own, Just don't be standing too close to the platform*.

The last concern of our holiday passengers is that "The train only has enough 'gas?'  (I can't remember the exact wording. ) to keep the train warm and have electricity for a dangerously short amount of time.

Bullshit.

In the late 90's a surprise early october freeze caught heavy full foliage trees across the state of Nebraska in shock. The weight of the ice and snow brought down heavy branches and even entire trees. Even in Lincoln we were without power for at least a day or two.

Rural small towns were not so lucky. Many small town faced weeks without power. One lucky small town was rescued by an unlikely source, a Union Pacific GP38-2. They plugged the locomotive into the grid and the ENTIRE TOWN had enough power for as long as they needed it.

Some things to know about the GP38-2. If it was a car it would be a compact car, a two door hatchback that your dad used to teach you to drive a stick. In other words, not the unworldly fuel efficient pollution standards meeting, wonders of modern science monsters that currently roam the mainlines of America's freight hauling tracks (part 2).

Trains magazine did a piece on the most American Locomotive, what they should have called it was 'most ordinary'.

To find this most American Locomotive the process went something like this:

1. Find the most manufactured operating locomotive
2. Find the company that has ordered the most of that model
3. Pick one of that company's fleet.

They then adorned it with a plaque on it's side under the side windows.

There may have been more logic on picking that exact locomotive, but I can't remember. The thing wore it's plaque for a while, had an article published about it and is now probably scrapped.

So you have a small, extremely ordinary locomotive powering an entire town. This is a P42 Genesis, the locomotive of choice for Amtrak's long distance trains, usually two adorn the front of most passenger trains. I doubt they even need two, more likely a fail safe in case one breaks down.....say....in the mountains,.....in the snow......just sayin'......

Like most GE locomotives the “42” is short for that many hundreds of horsepower so... 4200 horsepower (the “P” is for Passenger service in case you care). For comparison the little GP38-2 maxes out at 2000 horsepower. So one P42 has a little more than twice the the horsepower a locomotive that kept the electricity of a small town going for weeks, and this Holiday train most likely has two P42, so…..8400 horsepower.

I think that train could more than keep the lights on and the train warm for some time.

All of this train talk coming from a guy who can happily watch YouTube videos of simply trains rolling by. Not the biggest sin when one considers some of the content on YouTube.

Still, most people who encounter a train in real life greet such an event with annoyance and could never understand why someone would willfully watch videos of trains on YouTube.

Just like my co-worker who wanted so badly to hear about the demise of my A/C unit or a twelve year old listening to Justin Bieber,  people want what they want. When such a need arises the content will usually be provided.

Such a need exists for these Hallmark movies because lots of people enjoy them. Therefore, Hallmark keeps making them.

Comparing apples to apples, myself watching YouTube videos might lose out to Hallmark movies on the "you're a dork" scale. At least the Hallmark movies have a plot, unlike a coal train rolling by.

In the end nobody should have to apologize for what they are into as long as it's legal and moral. Just make sure you have your facts straight if you're going to bring up trains, otherwise the gloves come off, the train nerd glasses come on and you might get a long winded blog as a result.

* =Post blog test,....can you guess what kind of locomotive this is?

The Chri$ma$ $pirt

We’ve all been there. It’s January, all your credit cards are maxed out. Your Christmas decorations need to come down from your carcass of a tree. It’s so cold outside your testicles have receded all the way up to just below your Adam’s apple. Your mind still echoes with that one mean thing the one specific relative you can’t stand said while you were watching the parade on TV. Worst of all now you have to go back to work and face all your co-workers who last saw you wearing nothing but a well-placed Santa hat and Xeroxing your butt during the office Christmas party.

All of this can be summed up by the following comic:

Therefore it’s no surprise that Black Friday and Cyber Monday are followed in January by something called Blue Monday, scientifically proven to be the most depressing day of the year. Seriously check out those fancy formulas on the Wiki page. Who knew S.A.D. involved so much complicated math?

So how did you get to this holly jolly hangover? To answer that we have to take a step back, way back, not just to the previous Christmas but to your first Christmases.

This lovely phenomenon starts at an early age. From the day your parents parked you in front of a TV in order to enjoy a brief respite into the realms of sanity you have been constantly bombarded with the amazingly prevalent American advertising machine.

This machine drowns you in a sea of ads for toys, games, movies, sugary breakfast cereals and who knows what else, all of which you MUST have. The end result (depending on your gender) is either a pile of naked and neglected Barbie’s or GI Joes with missing helmets, weapons, limbs and so forth.

This advertising machine is summed up best by a favorite video of mine. It may be legit or it may not, but it chronicles an artist’s slow descent into insanity while trying to appease the corporate powers that be. The end result,..is well…you’ll see….fair warning, it’s kind of bloody for a stick figure based cartoon, but totally worth it, especially if you enjoy random humor as much as I do.

The end result is a scathing commentary on American consumerism. This never ending acquisition of stuff is a topic for another blog down the road, for now, we return to the topic at hand. Christmas, or as a college professor of mine called it “Giving presents to Atheist children day”.

Only in America could something like the birth of the son of God be turned into something that the entire year’s economy is dependent upon.

This was perfectly exemplified by a recent tweet by Neil deGrasse Tyson:

Of course being the country we live in he took a lot of heat for this tweet, but I’m glad he said it.

Another great example can be found during a surprisingly profound episode of South Park. For legal reasons I won’t link it here, but in it, a long, typical “we must save Christmas” episode ends with a scene featuring Jesus. As you may know in the South Park universe Jesus is the host of a local public access call in show called “Jesus and Pals”. The episode ends with a Jesus completely forgotten and absent during the entire episode, alone, sitting in front of a single cupcake with a single candle in it singing “Happy Birthday To Me” to himself.*

Forgotten religious roots aside could one really expect any other outcome knowing America the way we all know it? After all once the ball gets rolling and someone sees the slightest opening for money to be made it’s pounced upon like a fumble in a football game. Christmas is no different. This constant high stakes competition for every last Christmas dollar has evolved the birth of Jesus celebrated on a single day to an entire season which starts earlier and earlier each year.

It’s the perfect set up really. Even if you’re not Christian you WILL get presents and then you’re obliged to get others presents. Otherwise you’re just a jerk. And you can’t turn down presents either, that would just be rude.

The end result is everyone has to buy presents for everyone.

I realize this is starting to paint me as a scrooge and that’s okay. I know there is the aspect of the Christmas Spirit where suddenly everyone does more and is more cheerful because hey, it’s Christmas after all right?

But shouldn’t you be decent to your fellow man all year around? Not just when the lights are out and everyone is holly jolly?

I supposed the argument could be made that any extra kindness is a good thing regardless of its cause. That all goes out the window though at 4 am on Black Friday when your fellow man will be trampled on in a mad rush to the last blu ray player on sale at Walmart. After all, the only way to show your loved ones you love them is to buy them things right?

Wow, seems like I got a bad case of the Blue Mondays huh? No worries, I’ll make up for this admittedly whiny blog by helping you turn your Christmas lemons into lemonade.

Many a running joke has been made about the ‘lame’ presents one gets for Christmas. These jokes are so prevalent they have achieved meta status. You know the drill, the horrendously awful sweater your Aunt Soandso knitted for you or socks, a tie or heaven forbid…the most feared word of the holiday season….”Fruitcake”.

Lets start with the sweater. Sure it’s hideous, it’s full of red and green and reindeer and you wouldn’t be caught dead in it. But think about this, she made that sweater, by hand, probably took her hours and hours. When was the last time you made something for someone by hand? That’s love right there. At least she didn’t punch anyone in the throat at 4:30 am the day after Thanksgiving to get it for you.

So you don’t want to wear this monstrosity, fair enough, use it as a blanket, put it over your pillow, I bet it’s at least soft and comfy. So you might have to wear it once at the family gathering where your Aunt is actually there. It will totally make all that work worth it for her (Remember that holiday spirit thing).

Next on my tour of sweater based arguments. Do you really need to look cool and worry about your fashion rep in front of your family? Congratulations, you’re officially the best dressed dude at your family’s Christmas dinner, I’m sure Fashion magazine will be calling you at any moment.

Besides each member of your family probably all got one too. Once you put your sweater on even the most self conscious will follow suit. Soon everyone will be wearing their sweaters and your Aunt will be super Aunt stoked. Sure there will be Facebook pictures, your friends will make fun of you, but your Aunt will be the envy of her entire bridge club. It will make her year and you didn’t even have to buy her anything.

But what if she didn’t make it? What if she paid cash money for this horrible holiday long sleeved monstrosity? Turn it inside out, it’s extra comfy that way. I remember kids did that all the time when I was in elementary school.

Use it as a hidden layer to keep you warm while shoveling snow, no one will see it and it will help keep you warm.

Next I mentioned socks, but I supposed underwear or any number of unexciting clothing based gifts could fall in this category. I don’t know about you, but I’m losing socks all the time. The life expectancy for socks in the Smitty household is very, very low. At least you can use them, wear them, they serve a purpose.

A tie is another story, I can count the times I’ve had to wear a tie in my life on one hand. Still, there are worse things in life than getting a tie. Toughen up, put on your grown up undies on, if you need to, get good and hammered on egg nog and put it on with your Aunts sweater, it’ll be good for a laugh.

Last but not least the Voldemort of Christmas gifts. The gift that must not be named……FRUITCAKE

*Lightning*

*Thunder*

First off, food based gifts are great, they’re consumable, or at the very least biodegradable (hopefully). It won’t take up space in your house and won’t end up in the attic. Second, I’m pretty sure I’m the one person on earth who actually likes fruitcake. It’s been about 25+ years since I’ve had fruitcake but I’m pretty sure I liked it. I was a child and was worried if I ate too much I’d get drunk because supposedly there was alcohol in it. So fear not, you got fruitcake? Send it my way. I’ll eat that fruit cake while rocking out the sweater your Aunt made for you while wearing new socks, a Rudolph themed tie and a brand new pair of whitey-tighties.

Enjoy that mental image.

I made it just for you.

Merry Christmas.

*= Okay, I found it but the link will prolly get yanked eventually.