My Imaginary Interview With Roger Goodell

TheSmittyBlog: Welcome to my imaginary interview with Roger Goodell. Today, fittingly, my guest will be Roger Goodell.

Roger Goodell: Funny how it worked out like that huh?

TSB: Indeed.

TSB: Also joining us today for this interview taking place completely in my own frighteningly imaginative head will be my trusty dog Roger. He will be equipped with a device that will enable him to engage human beings in conversation. Truly a momentous occasion in scientific histo-

Roger The Dog:   ROGER HATE SHINY HELMET, HELMET STUPID, WANT LICK OWN BALLS

RTD: *Begins licking his own balls*

TSB: Obviously still some issues with the helmet so we’ll get back to it after we work some kinks out. To be honest, the machine is very unstable. We’re not sure how long its circuitry will last. But don’t worry though, we’re going to make use of this magnificent opportunity to venture into the mind of the animal world for the first time in human history. Not a second of this great opportunity to converse with our closest animal brethren will be wasted.... Now back to talking about the state of NFL football.

Roger Goodell: Did you forget I was here?

TSB: No, just stalling, waiting for the truth serum to kick in....

RG: What?

TSB: Nothing...(whispering to the camera) We drugged Commish Goodel with enough truth serum to make even an Indian Elephant admit to cheating on his spouse.


RG: Your imagination sure is a weird scary place.

TSB: You have NO idea......

TSB: Anyhoodles....on to the questions... Mr. Goodell you’re commissioner of arguably the most popular sport in America. What is that like?

RG: I’m getting a hard on just thinking about the amount of power I have.

RTD: O..M..G....T..M..I..

TSB: O.....kay..... Maybe a little TOO MUCH truth serum. Someone needs to adjust his IV drip......

TSB: You’ve mentioned you want to make American football an Olympic sport, play more games in Europe, and eventually have team(s) there starting with Jacksonville playing at one ‘home’ game in London once a year for the next three years. My question is...are you stupid or something?

RG: STUPID LIKE A FOX! Jacksonville can’t do any worse attendance wise in Europe than they do here..

TSB: Touche (SP?) Well played sir.

RG: Well, that’s why I pay me the big bucks.

TSB: The main reason I brought you in today was because I’m concerned with the NFL’s increasingly security conscious rules and penalties. I fear that the sport will devolve to be completely nonviolent and therefore unwatchable. How do you justify these new rules?

RG: Well, a lot of former players are suing us because, who knew, playing pro football is hard on the body. So we have to pretend like we care about our players now to prevent more money loss due to litigation. And Lordy Lordy...do I loves me some mon-nay...

TSB: Is that what all of this is about? Money?

RG: More or less, yes...and tv ratings,..I loves me some tv ratings....

TSB: Which leads to more money....

RG: Stop it, you're making my nipples hard.

TSB: Someone GET ON THAT IV DRIP!

TSB: Moving on..... Mr. Goodell, I’m all for player safety, but it seems like only certain positions like Quarterbacks enjoy these added security rules whereas an entire side of the ball (defense) and most of the other positions do not. How do you justify this?

RG: Well Quarterbacks score lots of points; throw lots of pretty spirals. Fans like points and even if Quarterbacks aren’t scoring lots of points, all the penalties move the ball closer to the end zone thingy, which leads to more points,....which leads to more ratings whi-

TSB: I’ll stop you right there, I don’t want to hear about your nipples again...

RG: Plus, most Quarterbacks are white whereas at other positions most players are bl-

TSB: EXCUSE ME?!

RG: Nothing, nothing...want some free tickets?

TSB: Oooo Tickets! What were we talking about?

RG: How important it is to protect Quarterbacks.

TSB: And how important is it?

RG: Very.....except for that Drew Brees guy,...@#$% that guy!

TSB: Speaking of Drew Brees, you came down really hard on the Saints for their alleged bounty scandal. Don’t you think you were a little too harsh?

RG: No! Can you believe Payton was trying to tell his players what they could and couldn’t do? It’s MY JOB to tell the players what they can’t do....which by the way is A LOT. I mean who does he think he is?

TSB: Their Head Coach?

RG: Don’t get smart with me! I’ll suspend your ass!

TSB: Even though I don’t play football?

RG: Yes.

TSB: Speaking of suspensions, you’ve been criticized for frequently suspending players and in some cases overly suspending players. Does this reputation bother you?

RG: You know, it may just be this truth serum IV pumping directly into my veins, but I must say I do regret not fabricating more evidence against Jonathan Vilma.

TSB: Well,...nobody is perfect.

RG: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I AM TO PERFECT! I WILL FINE AND SUSPEND YOUR ASS!!!....Besides...Vilma got his appeal heard.

TSB: By you...the same guy that suspended him...

RG: That’s it! You’re suspended for eleventy hundred games and fined like a ba-gillion dollars!

TSB: K...I’ll get right on that... In the meantime....you mentioned earlier that lots of points on offense is what the fans want. If that is truly the case, wouldn’t Arena Football be more popular?

RG: Arena what?

TSB: I think you just proved my point.

RG: You’re on REAL thin ice you spiky haired little pissant! I’m even more mad at you now, but I’m not sure why..

TSB: In regards to the Saints bounty scandal, was your beef with them more because they found a way to make money outside of their own lucrative contracts, or because bounties were being put out to injure players?

RG: Yes.

TSB: ‘Yes’ What?

RG: Yes, Money. Well that and you let them win one Super Bowl and they think they are hot @#$@.

TSB: So you’re saying the Saints Super Bowl win was fixed?

RG: Of course. We tried to give the Super Bowl to them the year of Katrina, but they still managed to screw that up... So we had to settle for later....

TSB: Why fix the Super Bowl?

RG: It was a great story, great stories sell papers, gathers interest, whi-

TSB: blah blah blah....nipples right?

RG: Right.

TSB: Well I can see this interview is starting to go off the rails....

RTD: “STARTING” ?

TSB: That reminds me. We’ve got my dogs translation device working pretty good, so lets let him speak for all animal kind, for the first time in human history. You ready for this Mr. Commissioner? 

RG: Ready? I’m so excited my -

TSB: PLEASE...no more about your nipples...

RG: Awwww!

TSB: Okay my little buddy! What do you have to say?

RTD: PAY ATTENTION HOO-MANS FOR I AM ABOUT TO SHARE WITH YOU THE SECRET TO BALANCE. BALANCE THAT WILL ENABLE HOO-MANS TO LIVE IN HARMONY WITH EVERY LIVING THING FROM THE SMALLEST MICROBE TO THE LARGEST WHALE. A SECRET THAT HAS BEEN PASSED FROM ANIMAL TO ANIMAL OVER ENDLESS BILLIONS UPON BILLIONS OF LIFE CYCLES, SINCE THE GIANT LIZARDS WALKED THE EARTH. A SECRET SO IMPOR-

TSB: Now Roger Buddy,...remember what I said? It has to be a question for our commissioner guest here.

RTD: OH, SORRY DAD

TSB: No big deal buddy. Now, go ahead and ask your question

RTD: MISTER STRANGE RED HAIRD HOO-MAN IN FANCY SOOT....

RG: Yes......

RTD: DOES YOU HAS N-EE BACON?........I LIKE BACON

RG: I’m afraid not little guy and I’m afraid I’m gonna have to suspend you from the playoffs for even asking.

RTD: SADNESS SADNESSSADNESSSADNESSSADNESSSADNESSSADNESS
SADNESSSADNESSSADNESSSADNESS.....WANT BACON SADNESS SADNESS

TSB: Well looks like the translation device finally crapped out, so I’ll have to end this interview. Thanks to the Commissioner for joining us.

RG: You realize I could have you killed right?