A Perfect Day For Guilt

I am not an outdoorsy person. Never have been never will be.

I write this on a park bench on a perfect mid-March day. A light breeze but otherwise room temperature out here, no mosquito's, really couldn't ask for much more in a spring day.

This is the kind of day that makes me think that football should be played in the spring.

Unable to recall the source or the exact number I am still reminded of a stat I once heard, something along the lines of there are only about a handful of these perfect room temperature day’s per year.

This blessing of a day coupled with my disinterest of the outdoors combines to create a perfect storm of guilt. I know, I know. Leave it to me to find something to complain about on a perfect day, but please allow me to explain.

The weather being so nice out I feel I must be outside. To not do so would be a waste of one of those “handful” of days. However being a not outdoors person, I grow bored very quickly.

I do some reading, walk the dog but both grow tiresome after awhile and in the case of my dog, he just plain gets tired.

After a light endorphin rush from the walk with my canine buddy wears off, the boredom, like this light breeze I’m feeling, returns.

At least once the breeze of boredom returns a small sense of accomplishment is felt. I walked the dog, he seemed to enjoy it, glad one of us is enjoying the day. A good thing too, as going by dog math, on average there would be less than one of these days per dog year on average.

Under normal circumstances when the weather isn't painfully gorgeous outside this sense of accomplishment is how normal boredom is combated.

When I’m in one of those moods where I’m depressed and/or bored I take on a task that needs to be done. Employing this strategy attacks my boredom/depression in three ways:

1. I hope that while doing something I’d rather not be doing, something I’d rather be doing and enjoy would come to mind. Then I’d not only have accomplished a chore but have something to look forward to after.
2. At the very least a chore would be complete so should I feel in better spirits at some other time I don’t have to waste them on a chore when I actually have something I’d rather be doing or something I’m interested in at the moment.
3. The act of checking anything off of a list and the accompanying sense of accomplishment normally pays its own dividends.

These tactics don’t seem to work outdoors though, as I’m not big on lawn care or gardening and really I can’t think of anything else that needs done outside. I guess I could just dig a WW1 style trench for the hell of it and begin a trench warfare campaign against my hated neighbors to the west. I’m totally picturing my Dachshund in the trench with me with one of those German helmets with the point on it.

As is the case this time of year though, I’m totally out of mustard gas and chlorine gas is at an all time high (thanks Obama).

I could dig a bomb shelter, I’d prolly hit a gas main though. Or I could build a mysterious tunnel to Canada…..they got found out though...damn Canadians.

Any indoor activity is bogged down with guilt and not enjoyable either.

I've unsuccessfully tried to combine the two by say, taking my laptop (an inside type thing) outside, but the glare is just bad enough that my inability to see the screen seems to say “Hey, you’re outside, you should be doing outside stuff, not staring at this screen”

This boredom makes for a long day. Perhaps that’s a good thing, perhaps I’m supposed to be bored. I do think in the age of smart phones being bored or alone with one's thoughts is a lost art.

I am of the opinion that I am better than most with my own thoughts, and I don’t own a smartphone, still even I have my limits.

The other benefit of boredom as anyone can recall watching the slow crawl of a clock at school or a boring job is time stands still. This makes the day, in this case a beautiful day last longer. Sort of a watched pot not boiling type deal, only for perfect weather.

After a day like this is over I end up feeling regretful anyway because I spent the whole day being bored or guilty to the point of depression. So I feel like I wasted a perfect day feeling sad.

Thus, going into a day like today I feel like guilt, regret and sadness await me no matter what I choose to do.

Not the best way to spend one of those room temperature days.  

Epilogue:

After the sun went down on this day of course I thought of a lot of outside stuff I could have been doing. Washing, cleaning out, vacuuming my car; fixing the mailbox; things like that. I’ll keep them in mind for the next time I’m staring down the barrel of a perfect day for guilt.

New Blog Site

I love football.

It’s a passion of mine. As with most passions I could talk, or in this case write, about my passion in great detail and at great length.

In the past I've tried to balance my football blogs on this site with non-football stuff that people actually want to read, like blogs about my unwittingly doing somersaults while unexpectedly herding escaped horses, or various other non-sports stuff.

Going back and looking for blogs to link to the above words drives home the point (especially to myself) that I have failed at this balancing act.

As time has gone on I have found it increasingly difficult to come up with non-football blog ideas and increasingly easy to come up with football blog ideas. Because of this, ideas for football blogs pile up in my mind’s blog queue while I try and think of non-football blogs to write. The end result is that I inevitably forget football blog ideas and they never get written.

Therefore, I'm starting a new blog site that will be exclusively for football based blogs while dedicating this site completely to non-football stuff.

The Chri$ma$ $pirt

We’ve all been there. It’s January, all your credit cards are maxed out. Your Christmas decorations need to come down from your carcass of a tree. It’s so cold outside your testicles have receded all the way up to just below your Adam’s apple. Your mind still echoes with that one mean thing the one specific relative you can’t stand said while you were watching the parade on TV. Worst of all now you have to go back to work and face all your co-workers who last saw you wearing nothing but a well-placed Santa hat and Xeroxing your butt during the office Christmas party.

All of this can be summed up by the following comic:

Therefore it’s no surprise that Black Friday and Cyber Monday are followed in January by something called Blue Monday, scientifically proven to be the most depressing day of the year. Seriously check out those fancy formulas on the Wiki page. Who knew S.A.D. involved so much complicated math?

So how did you get to this holly jolly hangover? To answer that we have to take a step back, way back, not just to the previous Christmas but to your first Christmases.

This lovely phenomenon starts at an early age. From the day your parents parked you in front of a TV in order to enjoy a brief respite into the realms of sanity you have been constantly bombarded with the amazingly prevalent American advertising machine.

This machine drowns you in a sea of ads for toys, games, movies, sugary breakfast cereals and who knows what else, all of which you MUST have. The end result (depending on your gender) is either a pile of naked and neglected Barbie’s or GI Joes with missing helmets, weapons, limbs and so forth.

This advertising machine is summed up best by a favorite video of mine. It may be legit or it may not, but it chronicles an artist’s slow descent into insanity while trying to appease the corporate powers that be. The end result,..is well…you’ll see….fair warning, it’s kind of bloody for a stick figure based cartoon, but totally worth it, especially if you enjoy random humor as much as I do.

The end result is a scathing commentary on American consumerism. This never ending acquisition of stuff is a topic for another blog down the road, for now, we return to the topic at hand. Christmas, or as a college professor of mine called it “Giving presents to Atheist children day”.

Only in America could something like the birth of the son of God be turned into something that the entire year’s economy is dependent upon.

This was perfectly exemplified by a recent tweet by Neil deGrasse Tyson:

Of course being the country we live in he took a lot of heat for this tweet, but I’m glad he said it.

Another great example can be found during a surprisingly profound episode of South Park. For legal reasons I won’t link it here, but in it, a long, typical “we must save Christmas” episode ends with a scene featuring Jesus. As you may know in the South Park universe Jesus is the host of a local public access call in show called “Jesus and Pals”. The episode ends with a Jesus completely forgotten and absent during the entire episode, alone, sitting in front of a single cupcake with a single candle in it singing “Happy Birthday To Me” to himself.*

Forgotten religious roots aside could one really expect any other outcome knowing America the way we all know it? After all once the ball gets rolling and someone sees the slightest opening for money to be made it’s pounced upon like a fumble in a football game. Christmas is no different. This constant high stakes competition for every last Christmas dollar has evolved the birth of Jesus celebrated on a single day to an entire season which starts earlier and earlier each year.

It’s the perfect set up really. Even if you’re not Christian you WILL get presents and then you’re obliged to get others presents. Otherwise you’re just a jerk. And you can’t turn down presents either, that would just be rude.

The end result is everyone has to buy presents for everyone.

I realize this is starting to paint me as a scrooge and that’s okay. I know there is the aspect of the Christmas Spirit where suddenly everyone does more and is more cheerful because hey, it’s Christmas after all right?

But shouldn’t you be decent to your fellow man all year around? Not just when the lights are out and everyone is holly jolly?

I supposed the argument could be made that any extra kindness is a good thing regardless of its cause. That all goes out the window though at 4 am on Black Friday when your fellow man will be trampled on in a mad rush to the last blu ray player on sale at Walmart. After all, the only way to show your loved ones you love them is to buy them things right?

Wow, seems like I got a bad case of the Blue Mondays huh? No worries, I’ll make up for this admittedly whiny blog by helping you turn your Christmas lemons into lemonade.

Many a running joke has been made about the ‘lame’ presents one gets for Christmas. These jokes are so prevalent they have achieved meta status. You know the drill, the horrendously awful sweater your Aunt Soandso knitted for you or socks, a tie or heaven forbid…the most feared word of the holiday season….”Fruitcake”.

Lets start with the sweater. Sure it’s hideous, it’s full of red and green and reindeer and you wouldn’t be caught dead in it. But think about this, she made that sweater, by hand, probably took her hours and hours. When was the last time you made something for someone by hand? That’s love right there. At least she didn’t punch anyone in the throat at 4:30 am the day after Thanksgiving to get it for you.

So you don’t want to wear this monstrosity, fair enough, use it as a blanket, put it over your pillow, I bet it’s at least soft and comfy. So you might have to wear it once at the family gathering where your Aunt is actually there. It will totally make all that work worth it for her (Remember that holiday spirit thing).

Next on my tour of sweater based arguments. Do you really need to look cool and worry about your fashion rep in front of your family? Congratulations, you’re officially the best dressed dude at your family’s Christmas dinner, I’m sure Fashion magazine will be calling you at any moment.

Besides each member of your family probably all got one too. Once you put your sweater on even the most self conscious will follow suit. Soon everyone will be wearing their sweaters and your Aunt will be super Aunt stoked. Sure there will be Facebook pictures, your friends will make fun of you, but your Aunt will be the envy of her entire bridge club. It will make her year and you didn’t even have to buy her anything.

But what if she didn’t make it? What if she paid cash money for this horrible holiday long sleeved monstrosity? Turn it inside out, it’s extra comfy that way. I remember kids did that all the time when I was in elementary school.

Use it as a hidden layer to keep you warm while shoveling snow, no one will see it and it will help keep you warm.

Next I mentioned socks, but I supposed underwear or any number of unexciting clothing based gifts could fall in this category. I don’t know about you, but I’m losing socks all the time. The life expectancy for socks in the Smitty household is very, very low. At least you can use them, wear them, they serve a purpose.

A tie is another story, I can count the times I’ve had to wear a tie in my life on one hand. Still, there are worse things in life than getting a tie. Toughen up, put on your grown up undies on, if you need to, get good and hammered on egg nog and put it on with your Aunts sweater, it’ll be good for a laugh.

Last but not least the Voldemort of Christmas gifts. The gift that must not be named……FRUITCAKE

*Lightning*

*Thunder*

First off, food based gifts are great, they’re consumable, or at the very least biodegradable (hopefully). It won’t take up space in your house and won’t end up in the attic. Second, I’m pretty sure I’m the one person on earth who actually likes fruitcake. It’s been about 25+ years since I’ve had fruitcake but I’m pretty sure I liked it. I was a child and was worried if I ate too much I’d get drunk because supposedly there was alcohol in it. So fear not, you got fruitcake? Send it my way. I’ll eat that fruit cake while rocking out the sweater your Aunt made for you while wearing new socks, a Rudolph themed tie and a brand new pair of whitey-tighties.

Enjoy that mental image.

I made it just for you.

Merry Christmas.

*= Okay, I found it but the link will prolly get yanked eventually.

Review of a Review of The New Manson Album:

I'm not sure what the "Dog in a car" metaphor is about but otherwise this is a good review.

I disagree with the statement about not having a good album since Mechanical Animals. I would argue that Holywood was not only fantastic but among Manson's best albums. Holywood perhaps fittingly, was the last time I got super amped about a Manson release. The lead up to "The Pale Emperor" just like the lead up to Holywood has had me listening to singles released online prior to the album on a daily basis. 

I've heard 4 songs so far and have been waiting anxiously for this album for more than a month. I pre-ordered the album not long after Christmas with my cherished Google Play money. 

I've never looked forward to a date in mid to late January so much.