A Song From The Present Future

Several weeks ago I was sleeping in my recliner as I often accidentally do. My trusty DVR had begun recording the triumphant return of “Beavis & Butthead”. The sudden change in programming woke me up. The familiar opening guitar riff of the show accompanied by the guttural grunting laughs of the two idiots from my teen years soothed me in a strangely joyous manner.

I needed soothing as I awoke with a feeling I am all too familiar with. The feeling of something going wrong in my lungs. A sensation I have difficulty describing but not a pleasant one I can assure you.

After the video, I dragged myself to bed. You can imagine how going to sleep with this video in your head can affect the way you sleep.

The next morning I found the video in its entirety and immediately felt the need to break it down and share with the world how I felt about every second of the video. While such a task is impossible (as I have discovered) I did my best to cobble together as many of my thoughts as possible and present them to you.

Combine all of the above with the state of my musical collection during my last blog and the birth of my interest in this song was quite strange indeed.

I will start by saying little has changed in the world of “Beavis & Butthead”. The two idiots remain mostly the same all these years later. The only change seems to be in the way in which their show is presented.

Instead of only making fun of music videos between their various adventures they also make fun of the various lame and I would argue culturally damaging shows like “Jersey Shore”, “Sixteen and Pregnant” and “True Life”. Still Beavis and Butthead take the time to make fun of the occasional music video on their show. I think it’s the only time that music videos are shown on the network. I know that may seem like a sarcastic exaggeration but I think it’s closer to the truth. The entire “no music videos on MTV” joke/rant/hipster upheaval has been done and re-done so many times by so many people I won’t do it here.

Originally I thought it important to hear the song before watching the video, but I have since reversed that notion. Still, I think it important to see the video in it’s original condensed form (sorry, the link has since been removed on YouTube) the same way I did, after midnight on a show that seems to have delightfully not changed much since the 1990’s.

I love Beavis’s “Shouldn’t have sent that kid to Hogwarts” comment.

And now the entire version, which I had to dig up after my strange first encounter with my song in the early morning hours.

A good video needs several elements in order for it to live up to my standards of a great video, I’ll list them below and discuss how “First Of The Year” measures up.

1. Good Song: This is an obvious one, but arguably the most important, if I can’t stand the song then the video has little to no shot of stopping me from not even finishing it let alone counting it among the best. Obviously this song makes the cut (more on that later).

2. The song has to enhance the video and vice versa: This video does an excellent job of this. The video provides the grim setting while the song makes the little girl’s actions seem more epic and powerful.

3. No band performance: Most videos, I’d say at least 90% either have a band playing the song or try and cut back and forth between the band performing and whatever the video is trying to develop on its own. This is a big pet peeve of mine. It can be done, but it’s very difficult. Lucky for this video, we’re dealing with a techno band here. I think it’s not a coincidence that some of the best mind bending videos I can think of are done with techno/industrial songs. After all, not much performing to show, unless you’re into watching guys push buttons on a mixer behind a mountain of stereo cable.

4. Video should mesh with the music: This is what I think this video does best. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a video do such a good job of matching with the video. Every force field blast, ever musical twist and reverb is matched with a similar action on screen. Even different segments of the song match the musical tone, from the little girl skipping down the street to the beat of the happy tune at the beginning of the song to the antagonists broken doll laden nightmare, to the song’s climatic black monster ending....the list goes on and on.

5. Don’t be too obvious: I’d almost say this is the only thing the video doesn’t do well. Normally I don’t like to be hit over the head with the meaning. I’m not stupid, you don’t have to spell it out for me. For the most part it is blatantly clear what’s going on in this video. The twist about half way through the video helps save things a great deal. The Viewers entire concept of what you think is going to happen is changed with the songs juxtaposed cry of “CALL 9-11 NOW!!!” So it works in that respect. I also think the end of the video where the last hash mark is added,.......I don’t think that means what everyone else thinks it means, and I’ll keep my little theory to myself....After all, having your own personal secret theory only adds to the mystique of this song.

On top of everything else this video came into my life around the time the Penn State scandal was breaking. A story so prevalent in the news and all other forms of media I won’t bother to link things here. The timeliness of this work added to the sweet revenge aspect this piece has and increased the already surreal nature with which I saw it for the first time.

Timing with current events aside, as I mentioned above one really can’t have a good video without a good song and there is plenty to love with this song.

I love how heavily percussive the song is. I’ve always felt a deep connection to percussion, and the complexity of this songs percussion is simply mind blowing to me. For most, probably too much is going on, especially if they are simply listening to the song and not watching the video.

I may regret saying this later, mostly because it will never happen. But I enjoy this song because it sounds like the type of music I would aim for if I ever was able to create music of my own. A lifetime dream I’m almost guaranteed to never fulfill. The fact that I have tried makes the technical achievement that is this song all the more impressive.

I threw around the term ‘music’ a lot above, after listening to the song I think a lot of people would take issue with that. What they hear is simply a car crash of noise, blips and bloops. The fact that most would not appreciate this kind of song makes it more personal, and therefore more special to me. I would go as far as to say that my editor wouldn’t like this song either. If I were to say such a thing and if such a statement were true, it would add to my enjoyment of the song. However in this hypothetical scenario the fact that I would’ve said that would cause him to say he liked the song/video just to be difficult,...so therefore, I say nothing of the sort here....

I love how the song builds up, especially after you’ve listened to the song before, you know the explosive “CALL 9-11 NOW!” is coming. Therefore the song gets better the more I listen to it, instead of tiring itself out like other songs I fall in love with do.

Love is a strong word, but I also love how this song sounds like a song from the future, like how a song was supposed to sound like in the year 2011. If someone had played a collection of recycled pop music crap and then this song for me when I was growing up in the 80’s I would without a doubt mark this song as how I thought music would sound in the mystical far off 2010’s. So to me the song is like music from a different version of the present. A present where music continued to evolve and grow instead of regurgitate itself every year in search of cash.

Lastly, I feel the song stands on it’s own quite well. First off, the song is a lot longer than the video version and completes in a nice neat package working it’s way gradually to the happy melody of the beginning of the song.

Another aspect keeping this song standing on its own two feet is that I am able to picture a separate mental image despite my countless views of the video. This is a bonus as normally this is not the case. I recall Lars from Metallica commenting once that before videos it was more fun to have your own mental image of a song, then with the advent of videos he argued your vision is replaced with something else. While this is true for most songs that become singles and therefore videos, most songs on an album do not, leaving room for songs like NIN’s “Reptile” painting a very vivid picture in my mind. I’ve even thought of writing a blog on how I would shoot the video for that song.

I don’t like to throw around the word “Epic” and tend to despise those that do, but in this case I truly feel that song and video combined “First of The Year” is truly epic. Perhaps that’s why I had such a difficult time completing this blog. I felt the need to make the accompanying blog epic as well, or at least worthy of its subject. Perhaps I failed there, or perhaps I didn’t. I do however know this, I’m glad I happened upon “First of The Year” and happy I happened upon it in such a deliciously strange atmosphere for my first viewing.






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Musical Civil War

I listen to music almost constantly, at work, at the gym, at home,...while I write this very blog... therefore I must say music is a huge part of my life. I find this odd as I can’t even tune a guitar. Still, I spend the majority of my waking moments listening to music.

Normally it starts on my trusty iPod Touch. I like to jump to my complete list of songs and shuffle them. Eventually something comes up that fits my current mood, or I haven’t heard for a long time, which leads me to that song’s album which I then listen to. It’s a fun system, I like it,...just one problem...my account has been mysteriously been banned by Apple.

I’m not sure what I did to warrant such actions but the black turtle neck wearing hipster fascists felt I deserved it. I’m guessing it had something to do with me having the audacity to move the music I paid for from one computer to another (I know, I’m an outlaw...an animal,....out of control.....). So my iPod Touch is stuck at (and will always be stuck at) 2533 songs.

The alternative rests on my Amazon cloud account, a mishmash of songs which didn’t all upload from my computer. Several songs from each album made it but not all of them. It seems as though the upload software timed out during the main upload. I suppose such things can happen when you attempt to upload 2500 songs. The trouble is that the account thinks all the songs HAVE been uploaded so a re-upload doesn’t find the missing songs. The only work around for this is that each album has to be re-uploaded individually. A long process I began a long time ago, but am not even close to being finished. To top it all off the songs just won’t upload. Conveniently for the fruit people most of those songs I purchased through my Apple device.....fuckers.....won’t upload to Amazon (which takes about anything) because the songs are in some sort of weird format/encryption/whatever. So I either have to re-buy all the songs that I bought from Apple or acquire them in some other manner,....and the music industry wonders why so many people pirate music....idiots.

I find myself straddling a deep ravine, music on two different sides. Both unsatisfactory for one reason or another. Ideally I’d like all my music on Amazon as their cloud format would enable me to get to my music from any machine and thus prevent my canyon predicament from ever happening again but the process is long and daunting. Songs that are on both my apple and my phone (Amazon Cloud), songs that are on one but not the other, songs that are on the apple but not movable to the cloud for one stupid fruit related reason or another, songs that have been moved, songs that haven’t, songs that can be moved but haven’t yet. Multiply all of that by 2500 and you get where I’m coming from.

The tin foil hat wearing conspiracy loving version of me thinks that since the days of hard media changing (records, eight tracks, cassettes, cds...) are over the industry is scrambling to figure out a way to make you buy the same music over and over and over again like they used to be able to until music became available solely through digital means. Perhaps “Conspiracy Theory Smitty (tm)” is right, perhaps he’s not. Whatever the case I find the whole ordeal disparaging. I can’t begin listening to music without the black cloud of the daunting task of music indexing/sorting/downloading/transferring/decrypting/unfucking staring back at me. Sort of like I can’t go into the garage without thinking of all the home related projects I’m neglecting. All of this is compounded by my recent financial troubles which have forced me to turn off my Internet.

It’s into this troubled civil war like hellscape that is my music collection a dark, ominous song found it’s way recently. The growing unlikelyhood (is a word? fuck it, it is now) that I would find new music I would like makes finding this song all the more special. But that’s a topic for my next blog. Actually that was the topic for THIS blog but I got too wrapped up in the whole canyon/ravine/civil war music collection thing. Something I obviously needed to work through......

For now I’m back to listening to my iPod Touch and dreaming of the day when my music, ALL of my music will be back together again. Like long lost twins who discover they hold a coffee cup the same quirky way (isn’t that neat? *YAWN*).

I know there are people out there who will say “why don’t you do such and such?” or didn’t you hear about Apple’s new “cloud” setup? For some reason I’m skeptical about Apples “Cloud” I’m guessing constant syncing is still required and if you bat an eyelash the wrong way all your music will be synced out of existence (not that I’m bitter or anything).

To address the “Such and such” I’d respond by saying,...”Okay, STOP before explaining the long Rube Goldberglike process I must partake in and just do it FOR me if it is so truly easy....be my guest, I’m gonna back up everything I have first, and if you need me I’ll be eating nachos and watching football, let me know how it goes....

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I think I’m done with my blog’s Facebook page (no-one seemed that interested)

And I’ve all but forgotten about my Google+ page as has everyone else....

You Sir, Are Not A Nice Person

I’ve come to the conclusion that rarely anything good can come from an online forum/message board/bbs whatever you want to call them (Says the guy spewing forth yet another blog onto the internet). Before I had come to this conclusion I saw a post several years ago that started to lead me there. The point was to rank something from best to worst, I won’t say what, but this person gave his list and then was immediately ripped apart. One person in particular was especially harsh questioning everything from his sexuality to his mental state. To the original poster’s credit his only response was sarcastic, immediate and to the point. “You sir, are not a nice person.” Of course after that the responder was chastised and attempted to defend himself, but the original poster’s response has always stuck in my mind, even three or more years later.

That retort comes to mind when thinking about Coach Pelini’s recent dealings with the media. As I write this, everyone seems to have moved on due to Jared Crick’s recent season ending injury. I’m still bothered by Pelini though and I am guessing after Minnesota, in a few weeks things will get really ugly really quickly afterwards.

I’ve made it a point, since early on in Pelini’s tenure, not to watch or listen to his press conferences. He never says anything, ever. I don’t think that’s an accident either. Except “Execute” he’ll use that word a million times. Is someone or some group struggling? Well they need to execute better. And if things are good,...well Pelini will say “We still weren’t as crisp as I’d like us to be.” So I try to ignore the conferences. The problem comes when Pelini is asked a question that can’t be answered with one of his two answers and he has a good ole’ fashioned grown up temper tantrum. When that happens I have to hear about it from some other source because not hearing about it would require me to live like Jodie Foster in Nell. Such is life in Nebraska.

The only reason I listen in before halftime is in the hopes he finally snaps and (literally) bites the head off whatever useless, high heel wearing, easy on the eyes sideline reporter chick snagged him to ask him stupid questions. That’s mostly because I despise sideline reporters. Instead he just falls back onto one of his two favorite answers as best as he can. I know that might come across as being hypocritical, but I don’t really count sideline reporters as “media” despite their press passes. They are just there to tell us about the most recent guy to turn an ankle and give frat boys and jocks someone to fantasize over.

That being said, is it Bo’s job to be all nicey nice with the media? Absolutely not! In fact, I would find bizzaro “Nice” Pelini to be pretty scary and perhaps even give me nightmares. Pelini is who he is. He doesn’t like talking to the media and he really can’t hide it. In that respect I can empathize. If I don’t want to be doing something, especially a social something, I suck at hiding my unhappiness. I just can’t do it.

On the other hand there is a difference in appearing unhappy and just plain being rude to people.
Around this part of the blog I had written out the entire Pelini/”T-Magic” saga, dating all the way back to the beginning of the 2010 season. However, I started to feel like I was being too hard on Taylor and saying what has been said a thousand times before around these parts, so I scrapped it. If you know me at all then you know how I feel about Taylor and there is no reason to repeat it here.

The thing I find amusing is that during the peak of the public outcry against Taylor I really didn’t have a problem with his play. What happened in Madison is exactly what I expected to happen, not only from Taylor but the entire team. Sure he threw three interceptions, but everyone knows by now that Taylor has trouble throwing the ball at times. What he did in Madison was exactly what you can expect from Taylor when we’re throwing the ball something like 14 out of the first 15 plays in the second half. That isn’t what he does well. What our team got from that is exactly what we deserved.

My main concern was with our defense. Up to that point we had given up 29 to Fresno State, and 38 to Washington. We had given up fewer points to 1-AA Chattanooga and Wyoming, but both seemed to move the ball at will at times even with a freshman quarterback. In fact, Wyoming’s freshman QB looked right at home against our defense. So after giving up 48 to Wisconsin,…yeah, Taylor wasn’t really a big deal to me.

What did bother me was how he behaved in the press conference the following Tuesday. He was combative and rude, much like his head coach….perhaps learning by example? The highlight of which was when answering a question about the media scrutiny he was receiving, he responded with something like, “It doesn’t matter what I say you guys are gonna rip me anyway.”

Don’t get me wrong, they were ripping him, but such is the life of a quarterback especially in a high profile place like Nebraska. Too much credit when things are good (See the media’s reaction to him after the first five games of last season, the media was talking Heisman!...idiots…) and too much blame when things aren’t so hot (like after the Wisconsin game).

In response to a similar question Pelini dug into an Omaha World Herald guy. This outburst was almost comical to me, I wish I could find the audio or video to these press conferences because this outburst was one of the better ones. After ripping the reporter, questioning his motives, pretty much asking him if he was bullying his quarterback in order to get a rise out of the kid Pelini says “thanks guys” and then ends the press conference. To me it was like a cursing a blue streak in church and then saying “Amen” solemnly at the end.

Since I first started writing this, the author of the anti-“T-Magic” piece that sparked all of this apologized in a pretty comical manner. I really wish he wouldn’t have. I really liked that the Omaha World came out with a “We’re not afraid of Pelini” article after their reporter was attacked, even if it was in the same tone as the anti-“T-Magic” article only instead of saying “Martinez better play better or else” it was “Coach Pelini better be nicer to us or else” at least that’s the impression that I got from reading it.

The point I’ve been working towards during my various attempts to finish this blog is that Pelini treats the media like a plague, like they are so beneath him. It’s hard to root for a guy like that. I get the impression he really doesn’t care for our fans either. His angry gesture towards the stands when we finished the first half against Ohio State with an interception that led to a field goal and the crowd booed. I think I would have too, not at Martinez but at the play call. I think everyone in the State of Nebraska thought “45 seconds left? Just sit on the damn ball and get into halftime” instead we call a play throwing deep over the middle into triple coverage and it’s intercepted and turned into a field goal for OSU. The situation couldn’t have been more aggravating because everyone in the state saw it coming a mile away.

Discussing the incident in yet another article I’m to lazy to link, he prefaced his statement that booing had no place in college football by saying that he respected the fans. I kind of doubt it, that’s just a feeling I get. I can’t really explain it. So it seems rather co-dependent of me to root for a guy that despises me. Sort of like that guy you knew in high school who kept asking the same girl out to every dance and she kept publicly humiliating him after every attempt. Sooner or later that guy is going to get the not so subtle hint and move on.

Same goes for Martinez, he just seems like “Not a nice person” as well. Zac Taylor, Joe Ganz, even Zac Lee (while the offense was collapsing around him), those were guys I could pull for. They played their guts out, hid injuries all season while being unfairly criticized, played every down (unless they got knocked unconscious) and above all else never added a goofy signature like “T-Magic” to the end of their text messages.

But this isn’t one girl we’re talking about here. This is an entire team and I will continue to root for my team and there isn’t anything Pelini can do to stop me. I know this goes against his often voiced black and white philosophy towards every aspect of life. “You’re either with us or you’re against us.” I couldn’t disagree more, you can’t just split life down the middle and call one half good and the other bad. Life is complicated and messy and….perhaps the topic for another blog….

So I’m not going anywhere, and neither is Coach Pelini. We do want the same things and to that end I guess we’re stuck with each other until well,…who knows…
I will say this, years ago when that giant blueberry of a coach was fired at Kansas, Jason Peter said on his radio show, “You can win as a coach while being a jerk, but the second things turn south you’re gone, and you’re gone fast, people will always be looking for a reason to get rid of you.”

I’m not saying Pelini will get fired soon (or ever for that matter, especially as long as T.O. remains the AD), but if it happens, it will be an all of a sudden, out of the blue, here one week gone the next kind of thing.

Maybe I’m being too harsh, maybe I’m being too mean, maybe I too am being “Not a nice person” but it seems to be going around here lately.
Go Big Red.

Evil Smitty

After bringing a puppy into your house you may find yourself doing things you never envisioned yourself doing. I could list all of them, but in this particular case it was purchasing a sweater for Roger. I swore I would never do that to a dog but he gets cold easy, and if he gets too cold he doesn’t go while he’s outside and if he doesn’t go outside the risk of an accident increases exponentially.

So there I am staring at a wall of really really girly looking things and halloween costumes for dogs to wear, questioning my manhood....when I see a sweater with a skull on it and think ‘that is WAY more up Rogers alley....’ this was after purchasing a black collar with white skulls and a matching leash.

That got me thinking though, what is it with my attraction to the darkside? Whether it be music (1,2,3), movies (1,2,3,4,5), tv (1,2,3) or even chicks (1,2,3). I always seem to be more interested in the black than the white. Does that make me evil? Evil all the way deep down?,...all the way to my molten nacho cheese core?

Joking about taking over the universe and ruling with an iron SmittyFist (tm) is one thing...but...could it be? Am I truly evil? Like most things in my life I over analyzed the crap out of this issue.

When all was said and done I remembered being in kindergarten or pre-school and all of us came wearing our Halloween outfits. I proudly reported to my mom afterward that my teacher said in response to my kick ass Darth Vader costume that “She wouldn’t want to meet me/him in a dark alley”. So I took away from that what you would expect a young little Smittyling (tm) to take from such an event. If I was Darth Vader I could potentially scare my teacher. Never mind that from my limited knowledge of Star Wars he is the evil ruler of the galaxy or something. (Am I right? my beloved nerd followers please help me out).

I also recalled that I didn’t always root for the bad guy, only in certain exceptions. Dr. Claw of inspector gadget comes to mind. I HATED inspector gadget, every episode he would accidentally blow up his boss with the secret message, his stupid niece would get kidnapped and the dog would save everyone and get zero credit for it.

I was only four but the repetitive plot lines got on my nerves. I wanted to see gadget get what was coming to him, just ONCE. Plus Dr. Claw had a cool voice and all you ever saw of him was his mechanical hand (also bad ass). His cry of “I’ll get you next time gadget! NEXT TIME!” was always awesome. I don’t know why I kept watching, maybe I was just hoping against hope that Gadget’s luck would run out and Penny would finally pay for being so stupid and getting kidnapped in EVERY episode.

Next would be Wile E.Coyote. Although you could argue he wasn’t very dark, he was definitely the antagonist of the cartoons he was in. He was a character I could identify with, very scientifically minded, always messing with gadgets that ultimately never worked and he almost never talked but when he did he sounded really smart. Poor guy, I really hated that road runner too.

Hmm...I’m starting to notice a theme,...seems like it may be my annoyance with the protagonist that is the issue here....

I’ve already touched on the big DV but as a child I think just the mask was bad ass enough, it made him look like the grill of a jet black hot rod. And his chest (at least I’m pretty sure) has buttons and lights on it. I don’t know what they do or what they are for, but as a kid,....”BUTTONS!!! AWESOME!!!”. I could sit around all day in my cool mask scaring my pre-school teacher. Ruling the galaxy and pressing random buttons conveniently placed on my chest. Perhaps taking a break every once in awhile to enjoy a Flintstones ice cream push-pop. And hell, I didn’t even mention his glowy sword thingy. Plus dictatorships are awesome, especially if you’re the dictator.

Next would be the Predator I’ve blogged about my movie monster of choice before (although perhaps not on this particular blog. I guess I enjoy the stealth, tribal culture and sort of sportsmanship that this species exhibits. The Predator species is unique to movie monsters in that they have no interest in you unless you are armed or are attacking them. Still seems kind of messed up that I’m really against hunting unless it’s by an alien who happens to be hunting humans. I could really nerd out here with all I know about them and what makes me like them, but I’ll spare you. I know what it’s like to be on the other end of a “nerd out”.

With that in mind I’ll close this with Beetlejuice. This is a case where I think if anyone else besides Micheal Keaton played Beetlejuice it would have been a forgotten movie. Every utterance, mannerism, action, facial expression is dead on. I got to the point where I would do a spot on impression of him to make my best friend at the time laugh.

As an adult I still love the movie. It has that classic Tim Burton look. From the winding checkered hallways bridging the afterlife waiting room (that alone is a brilliant concept) to the land of the living, to the mother’s creepy scuptures, to just the way the house was remodeled. The movie has lots of memorable quotes of course, but one of my all time favorites in ANY movie would be when the mother is leading the family upstairs to confront the ghosts in the attic.

"Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here. You have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you." -Delia Deetz

Thinking back now, I think that was my first exposure to a goth chick and I’m pretty sure I liked it. I’m also wondering if my interest in model trains was sparked by the town model in the attic which then spun me into an interest in trains. That would have been right around the age when all the train stuff started....Who knows...couldn’t have hurt it.

There are other examples, I didn’t talk about Jaws, or the Cobra faction of GI Joes, or Skeletor, but I think I’ve provided enough examples.

Wrapping this up, do I think I’m evil? I don’t think so, but I suppose that’s entirely an opinion thing. I do know that I look good in black....black with buttons on my chest. Buttons I can push and scare my preschool teacher with.



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(edited by: Dave Fosbinder)
(Posted by: Jamie the SB Secretary)

U Shaped Fall

It was a beautiful late summer day. The kind of day where it’s room temperature out with a light, gentle breeze. I was doing what you would be expecting me to do on such a rare occasion,....indoors watching Arena football with a shades drawn to prevent unwanted glare on the tv.

The game itself was amazing, probably the best game of the year, and fittingly so as it was the Arena Bowl. But that is a story for another day. About the time I was asked to help my parents get the neighbor’s horses back into their field. I know it’s a strange task to be asked to help with out of the blue, but this is my parents we’re talking about. They are masters at coming up with unbelievably random tasks:

“We’re building a house for the goats by the lagoon”

“Dad is welding together a plow for his jeep”

“We’re dividing the goats’ field in half so they don’t jump in the truck cab every time we get the boat out”

“We took out the window well to the basement so we could throw firewood directly into the basement for the furnace” - of course you are mom and dad...of course you are..

I mean I love my parents to death, but they really suck at slacking.

So I wasn’t the least bit surprised when I was suddenly hauled off to corral horses. Just a normal day at my parents’ house. “The neighbors aren’t home and the horses were out and...” my mom explained. To which I thought ‘of course they are mom, I’ll be there in a sec’. I was more interested in this task though as I love horses and this could make for a good blog......oh if I only knew....

When we arrived at my parents’ neighbors’ house I saw this in their backyard.

Even though these neighbors live on an acreage it was still odd seeing full grown horses grazing only a few feet from a modern home.

At first things seemed to go okay, my dad instantly reverted back to his farm boy roots and was getting the horses moving no problem. I relied on my basketball playing days “Stay between the ball and the hoop” or in this case, the horses and escape. With a little effort, some good basketball defense on my part and a few “He-YAHs!” (accompanied by some impressive cowboy hat waving) from my dad and the horses were moving toward their goal no problem.

The first few were in when the second batch went into the wrong field, I’m not sure what was wrong with that field, but that caused cowboy dad to have to go after them. He left my mom in charge of keeping the first batch of horses in the correct pen and me in charge of the oldest, most stubborn horse. I don’t think he’d moved an inch since operation “Neighbor Horse Corral” had begun.

My dad yelled recommendations from the previously mentioned “wrong field”. The first such suggestion being to give the old horse a slap on the ass. I’m a city boy, but I know not to stand behind the horse. Still I was still nervous about doing so. So first came the tentative nervous slap. Followed by harder slaps as I got less and less nervous. The horse meanwhile, didn’t move a muscle. Aside from the muscles associated with chewing the grass of this forbidden backyard. ”Give him a kick” my dad yelled in between strings of four letter expletives directed at the horses in the “wrong” field.

So one minute I’m laying on the couch watching arena football eating nachos, the next I am kicking a horse next to a brand new house I’d never been to before and seeing no results. Really just a normal visit to my parents, but the oddity of the situations I find myself in at my parents never ceases to amaze me.

As my futile kicks continued I noticed my mom was starting to “lose contain” on the horses in the “correct” field (my mom never played basketball obviously.....). Before the horse made a break for it I made the decision I was going to have to get over there and prevent the horse from getting an easy layup into freedom. Sure enough he took off, I started to run, up hill, tripped and landed collarbone first, sliding up hill on said collarbones for several feet. I’m told my feet almost touched my shoulder blades causing my out of shape body to form a perfect “U” shape. Everyone stopped what they were doing to yell inquires as to my condition. The horse was gone, out to the front yard and down the hill towards the road and out of sight.

I was more embarrassed than anything. I do think that if it hadn’t rained the night before and the ground hadn’t been so muddy I may have broken some things, but then again if it hadn’t been so muddy I might not have slipped...

I got up right away as though if I got on my feet quickly enough everyone would forget the epic fall I had just achieved.

As my dad successfully got the horses in the “wrong” field to the correct field he assured us that the escaped horse would be back as horses are pack animals. ‘Makes sense’ I thought as I looked down at my shirt which looked like it had the world’s largest underwear poop streak stains on it. (I should have taken a picture).

Dad got the my (pick one, the or my) stubborn horse in, apparently you need a cowboy hat and a goatee in order to get a stubborn horse moving. Or I’m guessing that is the case as that’s all that appeared different about my dad’s technique as compared to mine.

So all of the horses were back in and a good thing too as we found out later (as my dad suspected) the fields around the house were filled with alfalfa which would have killed the horses somehow. It’s like their kryptonite or something. /shrug I admit I don’t know much about horses, and almost as little about Superman.

I had no further lingering injuries from my fall. Which will from now on be know as “The ‘U’ Fall” in Smitty family lore. This story will be brought up at every Smitty family gathering for many many years to come. And I’m perfectly okay with that for some reason.

I wasn’t as sore the next day as I thought I would be. I did have lower stomach problems from when my legs came crashing down to the grounded right on my belt buckle and keys.

Still if you had told me “Yah, you’re going to be in traction after helping your parents chase horses on a hill you’ve never been too” I wouldn’t have been surprised. Just another exciting visit to the Smitty ‘Rent’s house (tm).